children Archives | Julie Safranski LCSW

Tag: children

August 4, 2016

Back to School! How to Make A Strong Parent Teacher Partnership

Is it really back to school again?!? The kids are savoring their last days of summer. They may (or may not) be looking forward for school to start so they can see those friends they don’t get-together with over the summer. Waiting to find out who will be their teacher can create both angst for student and parent especially if your child has special needs. My experience working as a school social worker for numerous years, I have witnessed the best and the worst of relationships develop among parents and teachers. We all know that having a positive parent teacher partnership can only benefit your student. How do you make sure that the connection you have with your child’s teacher is the best that it can be this school year? Here are some tips for a strong start when your child heads back to school in the fall.

Talk to the teacher about any specific concerns you have for your child.

Once back to school, most teachers send out some sort of communication requesting information to get to know your family. Do not hold back any vital information because you want to see if the teacher “notices” an academic/ behavior issue etc. If you wait to tell them after they come to you and you say “oh yeah, that was also a problem last year”, they may feel duped that they were not informed or that you are not interested in dealing with the problem together.

Also, it doesn’t hurt to check-in with the teacher if something changed as your child heads back to school this year (e.g. mom is now working part-time and now they go to the morning before-care program). Your child’s reaction to this change may be something unusual for them and it would be good for the teacher to be aware of it. The more information they know, the better the teacher can support your child.

If your child has an IEP or Section 504 plan, and you have a specific concern such as implementation about a specific service or accommodation, email the special education case manager and cc: the teacher so she is aware. Case managers are the ones who coordinate the service and/or accommodation and are usually the ones who support the teacher so they are the best to contact especially if the teacher is new to your child.

Be aware of what is happening in the classroom.

A lot of teachers send out email newsletters or have a website. Make a point to check it or read it. I know we are all inundated with email and information. But if the teacher takes the time to include it in their communication, it’s probably important. And nothing is worse for a kid when it is pajama day and they are the only kid in their class who didn’t come dressed for it. Or they missed an important deadline for a school-related activity that they now cannot participate in. Not to mention, the projects that are coming due.

And for those parents who have kids with academic or organizational issues, being aware of deadlines can help your child plan for a large assignment instead of scrambling to finish at the last minute (and yes, eventually the goal is that they will learn to monitor themselves). Your interest in school will show your student that you think what they are doing is important and you support their teacher.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Sometimes in the classroom, a teacher makes a rule, creates an expectation or has a procedure you just don’t understand and you may think “what’s the point of that?”. Go ahead and ask your child’s teacher (in a respectful manner) for clarification. They may have their reasons for doing it and be happy to explain their rationale. Or maybe they do not know how their expectation comes across to your student or the parents and they need to provide more information to the whole class. I’ve come across many parents who complain about what is happening in the classroom but never bothered to have a conversation with the teacher. They may head straight to the principal, talk about it with their friends or other parents while never going straight to the source. Many misunderstandings can be prevented and lots of time saved by communicating directly with the teacher. Of course, if you still don’t feel like the issue is being resolved after working with the teacher, feel free to get other professionals involved ( counselor, social worker, principal, district administrator).

Your child is a different person at school. Really.

During the summer, your child might be the most extroverted kid you know. But as soon as they head back to school, they may not say a word during class. Or they may be the class clown. Or have difficulty with managing their frustration appropriately. Try to be receptive when receiving feedback from the teacher about what they notice. Expectations at school and home are often different particularly in regards to the types of tasks required and the amount of activities in which they have to participate with other kids. Kids may struggle with what needs to be completed and/or how they behave in the classroom. If you have strategies that work for you at home with your kid, share them the teacher as they will probably be happy to hear about it. A consistent message from home and school is so powerful for kids. Or if you think you or your student needs more support, ask what other professionals in the building may be able to provide some feedback or strategies to help your child ( e.g. reading specialist, school social worker, school psychologist etc.).

Help out.

Your child’s teacher has an incredibly difficult job and most teachers I have worked with want to do the best job for your student. But the amount they need to accomplish grows every year while their time seems to shrink with requirements (NCLB, anyone?). As your kids head back to school, think about ways you may be able to support your teacher whether it be volunteering in the classroom to run a center, facilitate a class event or donate goods/furniture to the classroom (ask first to see if they want it though–but most of the time they will say yes!). If you can’t get into the class during the day, maybe there is a task you can do at night at home that could really help a teacher out (e.g. cutting something out for a special activity). They will be very grateful there is one less thing on their very full plate.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and school social worker with 16 years of experience working in private and public schools. She enjoys helping kids and their families navigate school settings when faced with social, emotional or academic challenges. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

June 28, 2016

5 Tips for Managing Summer Activities for Kids with ADHD

The kids are out of school and it’s what they have been waiting for all school year. But they enjoy hanging at home only for so long until a parent hears the cries of “I’m bored”. This is especially true for the child with ADHD who has difficulty sustaining attention. Often the cure for boredom is to keep kids busy doing activities and provide some structure for the summer. For most, finding activities for kids that they enjoy is not that big of a deal. But for kids with ADHD, they may have some other concerns such as social skills difficulties, sensory needs or anxiety that prevent them from easily joining a new program. Here are some ideas to try to make the transition to summer camp season go smoothly.

Research activities in advance

If your kid chooses a new activity to try, it is important to check out what the program requirements may be. A way to handle this is to talk with the park district director or coach to see how it is structured or what types of skills that may be needed. Knowing that your child with ADHD will have naturally occurring built-in movement breaks versus the expectation that there will be lots of waiting around for others during the activity, could make or break the event for your kid. Also prepping the adult in charge about your child’s needs may be helpful (e.g. “My child has a hard time with memorization so will there be ample time for her to practice her lines?”) For those kids with ADHD who struggle at school, it is even more important to find activities that complement their strengths to hopefully increase their self-esteem. Getting the most information as possible can set your child up for success.

Choose something unique

The activities for kids that are the most popular are the ones that their siblings or friends are doing. But kids with ADHD may not have the qualities that would make the event be fun for them. An example is if baseball is great sport for an older brother but your child lacks the self-control in the early stages of learning T-ball. Encourage your child to find an activity that would be something that would play to their strengths and that no one else in the family is doing (e.g. gymnastics because your child has shown to be agile and their sisters are doing tennis). If your child is doing something unique in the family, there aren’t any comparisons with how it is supposed to go or how well they should be doing. Matching the activity to your child’s abilities can increase the chances of your kid sticking with it and having a positive outcome overall. And who knows, your child may find a skill or a talent that they did not know they had.

Prep your kid

I also suggest this when kids have school anxiety but making a visit to the site where the activity takes place, may help alleviate some fears. Figuring out the door where your child should enter, finding the bathrooms or discussing the place where you will pick them up could help them feel confident about entering a new situation. Also prepping your child, the day before discussing what their day will be like and how long they will be there may help with questions, concerns or resistance. If your child is giving you a hard time about going to the new event, having something for them to look forward to afterwards such as getting ice cream or some extra video game time may help.

Acknowledge their feelings

Once your child picks an activity and you feel it will be a good match for them, they may be feeling anxious about trying something new. Or they may become frustrated that the outcome of the class is not what they imagined (e.g. art class focused more on art history rather than making art). Instead of saying “You’ll be fine” which we often say as parents, make your child feel heard by rephrasing what they have shared. (e.g. “ It seems that you are worried if you will make any friends at camp.” ) Encourage your kid to come up with a plan of how to handle it so they feel more in control of their feelings.

They can opt-out if it’s really not working

For some children with ADHD, they have struggled in other activities for kids because they have had some negative experiences and are reluctant to try something new. Discussing with your child your expectations of trying the new activity but also letting them know they can exit after a certain amount of time may be a relief to them. Letting them know after a certain amount of days/weeks you will have a discussion about how things are going and then you can decide together whether to continue. Of course, we want kids to finish tasks and carry out commitments especially if it seems they just lost interest or they tell you don’t like it because their friends aren’t in it. But there are some programs that may just be a bad fit for your kid whether it is skill, personality with the teacher or other kids. Not all activities for kids are right for your child. If your kid comes home upset everyday, sometimes in order to preserve self-esteem, you may have to abort the idea and keep trying to find that activity that works for them. Or after they mature a bit in a year or two, some children are able to return to the activity and enjoy it.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys helping kids with ADHD utilize their strengths to have success at school and at home. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

August 12, 2015

Back to School! How to Help your Child with School Anxiety

It’s time for back to school! For some kids, this brings excitement of getting a new backpack, figuring out their first day of school outfit and looking forward to connecting with their friends they haven’t seen all summer. For others, it brings a sense of dread and worry. How do you know if your child or teenager may be experiencing school anxiety? Anxiety can look different in everyone but some possible clues are; disruption in their sleep patterns (e.g. trouble staying asleep or can’t fall asleep) changes in mood (e.g. more moody or irritable than usual), overly focused about school (e.g. memorizing their schedule over and over) or directly verbalizing it (e.g. “I wish I never had to go to school”). But not all kids show signs of anxiety until after the “honeymoon period” of the first days of school. Other signs such as having a hard time getting them up in the morning, faking an illness or avoiding discussing the topic of school. If you suspect that your child may be experiencing some school anxiety, here are some tips to on how to help.

How to Talk to your Child about their Concerns

Start a Conversation and Listen

Acknowledging that you have observed a behavior that concerns you is a great opener. (“I noticed that you keep changing the subject when we talk about school. Is there anything you want to talk about?”) If they start talking, sometimes just being a listener at first is best. As parents, we often want to fix the problem for them so we can make them feel better. But kids sometimes just want to vent and know someone is hearing what they have to say.

Restate What They Have Shared

Often our first reaction is to tell our kids that “You’ll be fine” but that can feel dismissive because you are not acknowledging their current emotions. To make your child feel heard, rephrasing what they have shared will be helpful “ It seems that being able to memorize your new combination has really been on your mind ”.

Ask Questions

Ask some clarifying questions to see if you can get to the root of their school anxiety. “Maybe you are feeling nervous because you will have a new teacher?” or “ Do any of your friends have lunch the same period you have?”

Normalize Feelings

Share that often people have mixed emotions about going back to school. Let them know it is ok to feel excited, nervous, curious etc. all at the same time. And sharing that your feelings are ok no matter what they are is another way to validate what they are going through.

Come up with Solutions Together

Help your child or teen problem-solve and come up with some options that might make them feel better about their school anxiety. Below are some suggestions to get you started.

Visit the school grounds Depending on the grade level, this could mean going to the school playground to become acquainted (or reacquainted) and to know what door they will be entering in the building. For middle/high school students, you may be able to ask the principal/counselor to see if you can get a tour of the building ahead of school starting particularly if they do not offer something prior such as a middle school or freshman orientation.
Set a schedule In a previous post, I wrote about tips for getting back in the routine for kids with ADHD but a lot of the strategies could apply to any student. Planning for the structure of the school day or week can help alleviate some fears of the unknown (or forgotten).
Read books about school anxiety (elementary) The Kissing Hand is a sweet story for entering school for the first time for Pre-K/K and I Don’t Want to Go to School is a fun read for PreK/K. Wemberley Worried is a great book for PreK-2 discussing anxiety overall as well as Wilma Jean the Worry Machine, for grades 2-5 which offers practical strategies for anxiety as well as an entertaining story. You can check out my Pinterest Back to School page for more recs.
Focus on favorite things For younger kids especially new to school or going full-day for the first time, having a photo in their backpack of the family could be helpful to refer to when needed. For older kids, having them decorate their binder(s) and /or locker with pictures of things they like such as celebrities, bands etc. might create more excitement for the first days of school.
Hang out with friends from school For some kids, they may not end up seeing their school friends all summer due to scheduling, vacations, camps etc. But making an extra effort such as hosting a get-together with the kids they had in class last year might help with the transition.
Email school personnel For parents of elementary school students, often you do not know who your child’s teacher is until very close to the start of school. But when you are made aware, even just letting your child’s teacher know your child is having some anxiety about going back to school will be very helpful for their teacher. For middle school or high school students, an email to the school counselor or school social worker making them aware of your kid’s school anxiety may be also be worthwhile. They may offer to touch-base within the first few days if needed.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with kids to find ways to deal with their anxiety and feel better. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

July 17, 2015

Kids with ADHD; 3 tips when traveling

Relaxation. Fun. Adventure. Being able to take a vacation during the summer is what we look forward to all year. But if you have a child with ADHD, going to a new destination can be very stressful for parents and children alike. How do you make sure that your vacation doesn’t turn into more trouble than it’s worth? Here are some suggestions to try to minimize stress and have everyone be able to enjoy themselves.

Planning

Yes, lots and lots of pre-planning. Overall, a vacation provides the novelty that many people with ADHD seek. But also making sure that the type of trip you are thinking of taking involves activities that you know your child will enjoy is also important. Kids with ADHD will do better if they are doing something that holds their interest. When bored (e.g.too many museum exhibits with long lines), is when you see kids making their poor behavior choices due to their impulsivity. Even if your vacation is not entirely child-centric (which is ok!), having activities across the day that will hold your child’s attention will be helpful in the long run. But in the meanwhile, bring things along that might keep them entertained during waiting periods such as silly putty for the younger ones or IPod/IPhone w/headphones for the older ones. Also, if you are planning to go to a family resort or large amusement park, calling ahead to see if they have special assistance for those who have special needs such as a way to bypass the long lines. Another idea is to have healthy snacks available for your kids with ADHD because we know that too much sugar and processed food is not good for any kid (there is debate whether it increases the symptoms or if red dye #40 has an impact ) Either bringing snacks from home or order online the favorite foods to be delivered at your hotel makes it convenient for your kids to eat (somewhat) healthy while you are away from home.

Create some sort of routine away from home

We know it’s hard to have a routine when you are on vacation. But providing some sort of structure while at a relative’s house, hotel or rented home while away will help provide some stability for those kids with ADHD. One way is to give the kids the day’s schedule when they wake up so they know what to expect even if it is different than a typical day. It also gives the kids expectations about what is happening for the day and can keep the kids from asking (ok- maybe just reducing the amount of times they ask), “what are we doing now?” Or if you are staying for awhile, even a mini-white board written with days of the week with the main activities of the day could help provide a visual reference. Also, if your kid is a picky eater, having those familiar foods on hand or going to a place you know that your child can get those foods will help them feel at ease. At bedtime, if part of their routine they usually read a couple of stories, bring a few along or download ones you can read on the Kindle if needed.

Know When Your Child Needs to Take a Break

Splash parks! Water slides! Amusements rides! Lots of sugary desserts! All of these things are some of the best parts of summer for kids but it also could mean a recipe for meltdowns and poor behavior choices. A good amount of kids with ADHD also have sensory issues . So this also means that they could get easily overstimulated by the activities they are doing even if they are having so much fun. As a parent, you will need to have alternate activities that may help your child calm down. These activities could be as simple as daily rest time back in the hotel room which could be reading, napping, watching a movie, playing on the IPad, listening to music with earphones or quietly playing. Or has your child been cooped up in the car traveling or been waiting in too many lines? Those kids who struggle with hyperactivity may need a chance to get their energy out. You may want to plan a visit to a local playground to climb and swing which provides good sensory input. Or a greenspace to run, kick a ball or play frisbee. For younger kids, you will probably have to look for the signs of an impending meltdown and cue them for a break. And for older kids, telling them they have an option to bow out of an activity during the day to do one of these strategies may prevent an argument due to non-compliance later.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves to help kids with ADHD utilize their strengths and give them tools to feel in-control of their behavior. You can reach her at js@juliesafranski.com

May 3, 2015

Does your child tattle tale? How to help your child learn to problem-solve

No one likes to be a tattle tale. I remember as a kid, if you were called a tattle tale it was the social kiss of death. You were teased, kids didn’t trust you and they remembered for a long time afterwards that you told an adult. Even one study demonstrated that those who were perceived to be tattling were considered less liked by their peers.

Nowadays, children do not have the same social opportunities to “free-play” as today’s parents once did. Through non-structured play, children naturally develop the skills of negotiating, compromising and learn the nuances of social interactions. Most kids are involved in many community and extra-curricular activities that are facilitated by adults. These are great opportunities as they teach children how to work in groups, learn how to follow directions from others, develop teamwork skills etc. But they rarely get the chance to work out conflicts and practice coming up solutions on their own independent of adults. And there are times when we want our kids to inform adults for behaviors that are physically harmful or threatening such as bullying. So how do we build resiliency and make sure our kids know when to tell an adult without being a social pariah?

When working with elementary-aged children, I use the language of reporting versus tattling. What is the difference? You are tattling when you want to get someone in trouble. It is also tattling, if the behavior is not harming anyone even though it may be annoying. If the issue is considered to be not important (e.g. not a health emergency or not a lot of people are affected), an adult does not need to get involved. Also, it is considered tattling if the behavior was an accident as no one meant harm. Lastly, if the problem can be solved independently it would be considered tattling. So reporting is about letting an adult know if someone’s well being is of concern. If someone is physically hurt or threatening harm such as bullying, an adult needs to be told right away. Also, it needs to be reported to an adult if the person intending to hurt you on purpose or you need to keep someone safe. Lastly, I tell kids that if it is a problem that adult needs to help you solve. But I’d like to go one step further. If there isn’t any danger or no one is getting hurt, I would prefer a child tell an adult AFTER they have tried two things to solve the problem and it hasn’t worked. Most kids get stuck on this and they would rather go to an adult first. Here are some suggestions you can give your child to deal with a problematic social situation:

Ask them to stop
Walk away and find something else to do
Walk away and cool off
Ignore it
Use an I-Message (“I feel_____ when you______ can you next time________”)
Talk it out and find a compromise
Apologize

Or if you want to simplify tattling versus reporting, I have also seen teachers use in classrooms the 4 B’s of when to tell an adult. Tell an adult if someone is bleeding, barfing, bullying or behaving dangerous. A little graphic but very clear! Parents can utilize this especially among siblings who constantly look for their mom or dad to settle their fights.

We want kids to learn how manage their own conflicts if there isn’t any harm involved. Why is this important? It helps kids to feel competent and successful. We don’t want to send the message that they always need someone else to help them deal with their problems. It also teaches kids that conflict is part of life and not everybody gets along. If your child is still struggling, you might also consider reading with them Julia Cook’s A Bad Case of the Tattle Tongue or Don’t Squeal Unless it’s a Big Deal by Jeanie Franz Ransom.

The first week of May is National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week in the U.S. This blog post is part of the Raising Resilient Children series hosted by Imperfect Families. Click the image below to find more tips from mental health professionals!

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and has spent 15 years in various school settings. She likes to help children find strategies they can use to help them feel confident socially and emotionally. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

January 18, 2015

3 Tips to Get Ready for Your Child’s IEP Meeting

3 tips for your child’s next IEP meeting

For those parents who have children that receive special education services and have an Individual Education Program (IEP), a meeting is scheduled on a yearly basis. But often parents go into the meetings feeling unprepared and wondering if the school is meeting the needs of their child. Besides your child, you are the most important member of the IEP team and your input is essential in helping to create the legal document. Here are some tips for you to consider before attending the meeting:

Look over the current IEP and determine what services are currently provided for your child.

This may sound very basic but the IEP document is very complicated and not clearly written for the layperson. By the time the next annual review rolls around, often parents have forgotten how many direct and consultative minutes their student is receiving during the school day or over the course of the week. It is important to know how that impacts your child day-to-day and how it contributes to their overall schedule. How many minutes are they in the regular education setting versus specialized instruction outside the classroom? For instance, your child may leave the classroom for an hour a day for reading instruction or get their needs met by a special education teacher consulting with the regular education teacher. What areas have been identified as needs? Your child has identified reading and math needs but now seems to be struggling with writing at home. Parents often think reading and writing services are automatically addressed together. Does your child receive any related services and for how many minutes a week (speech/language, social work, occupational therapy etc.)? Your child may get social work services for social problem solving but now he is getting more disciplinary actions (detentions, suspensions). A different goal may be appropriate or more services need to be provided. Unless you know what the document says, it’s hard to advocate for current needs of your child and to determine the next course of action.

Determine your areas of concern and let the case manager know before the meeting the issues you would like to have discussed.

The case manager will be contacting you to let you know about the scheduled IEP meeting either through email, mail and/or a phone call. At that time or soon thereafter, letting the case manager know your particular concerns (e.g. Will Abby be able to have extended time on the PARCC?) will help the IEP team to address your questions ahead of time so they are ready to discuss them at the meeting. Often there is so much to cover during the IEP meeting and time is limited so creating the focus will get your questions answered in an effective, timely manner. Also, it demonstrates to the team that you are going to be an active participant that has a working understanding of what the IEP currently states.

Think about what you would like to see for your child for the future.

Often this question is an afterthought at meetings. We are so focused on the day-to-day details and how to get the child through the school day, we do not think about their future particularly in the younger grades. Is your goal for your child to have the least amount of special education services by a certain grade level (i.e. high school)? Or is your focus having child developing the most independence in the community (i.e.. is able to make a purchase at a store independently without adult assistance)? Do you see your child attending community college, a university, a sheltered workshop, attending a transition program or working a job after high-school? Of course, your goals for your child are based on your child’s intensity of needs but thinking about the long-term will help to drive the IEP’s overall focus. Transition services do not legally have to be discussed until 14 years old and a plan is formally created starting at 16 years old. But it’s never too early to be thinking about how you can better prepare your child for independence no matter what are their level of needs.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is Chicago psychotherapist. She also holds Professional Educator License (PEL)-School Social Worker endorsement (Type 73) for the State of Illinois and has 15 years experience in special education. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

January 3, 2015

Your child with ADHD; 5 ways to get them back in the routine after a break

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

Your kids have been off for 2 weeks and you may have been too. Your time has probably been filled with kids sleeping in, family gatherings, sleepovers, late bedtimes and probably lots of toys/games cluttering your house. Even the families with the best intentions have difficulty keeping to a schedule over breaks. But now it is time to get back to the routine of work and school which is always difficult for everyone, especially those with ADHD. The first Monday after a break will be difficult but here are 5 suggestions to get you back on track and hopefully make for a smoother adjustment back to their routine.

Have your child go to bed a little earlier than they have been beginning on Saturday night.

I know most families have a different bedtime for their school-age kids during the week than they do on the weekends. The same goes for vacations. If this is true for your family, having your children go to bed closer to their normal bedtime on Saturday will hopefully make your Sunday night less stressed. We all know a child with ADHD needs their routine and sooner they can get back to it, the better. By Sunday night, they got a little extra sleep and hopefully there is a little less fighting about bedtime and “I’m not tired”.

Go to bed a little earlier on Saturday night.

Yes, you too. You also could use extra sleep with all those events you planned, hosted, attended etc. Not to mention all those extra activities you had to plan for the kids when they were off. A little extra sleep for you will also help you to deal with not only your adjustment but your kid’s transition back to school. Plus, you are modeling what you are preaching.

Have your child gather all their things the night before to be ready to walk out the door Monday morning.

Their backpack probably is exactly where they left it when they came home from that Friday afternoon when their break started. This also eliminates any surprises Monday morning of things that should have been given to you to read, sign or for them to complete. Also, have the kids lay out their outfit for the next day including socks and shoes. One less decision to make and one less shoe that needs to found. Preparing for the morning ahead of time is always helpful but after a long break, it can help make the morning a little less hectic with a child with ADHD.

Go over the calendar for the next day/week.

You have been out of the routine for 2 weeks. All kids will need a reminder of their schedule of activities but it is particularly important for a a child with ADHD. Refreshing their memories about their schedule will hopefully will prevent any surprise meltdowns for those kids who get upset when the routine changes or have difficulty with transitions. Not to mention, it helps you prepare for the week.

Get up 15 minutes early to prepare for the day.

Give yourself an extra 15 minutes to get yourself together. Enjoy that cup of coffee. Scan the news on the internet. Creating that time for yourself will help you be present to be able to support your child with ADHD who even with the best planning, might need your help in the morning to start their week after a long break.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com