teenagers Archives | Julie Safranski LCSW

Tag: teenagers

October 8, 2016

Teen Stress: 4 Helpful Tips for Parents

Your teen has been snapping at you when you ask them how was their day. They yelled at their sister for bothering them when all they were doing was asking to borrow something. Your kid is silent at the dinner table and when you ask why, they say it’s because they are tired and have a lot to do. You see bags under their eyes from not enough sleep. Teen stress is not uncommon, and your high school student may be struggling to manage. As a parent, you hate to see your child like this but not sure what you can do. Here are four tips to help your teen manage their stress.

Teen Stress Tip #1: Make sure that their basic needs are being met

Too many high school students say they don’t eat all day until they get home because they “don’t have time”. Or teenagers report they were up so late doing homework into the middle of the night and had 3 hours of sleep (of course there are the ones who were on their phone or playing video games too). We know that teenagers need 8-10 hours a night and they need to be eating throughout the day. Can you force your high schooler go to bed at a certain time or eat 3 meals? Probably not but having a conversation about your concern about not eating or sleeping may be more impactful than you think. They might just need the encouragement to make better choices. Or they need help to problem-solve what are the best options for them (e.g. bring breakfast on the go and bringing snacks throughout the day). Also enforcing a no-phone rule after a certain hour by charging their phone in a community area of the house may be the structure they need to limit their distractions.

Teen Stress Tip #2: Make sure they actually have some downtime

I am a big proponent for self-care to manage stress. This includes for teenagers too. High school students often are going to school starting at 6am for an early morning practice until 11pm at night working on their homework. No one should be keeping that schedule on a regular basis so why are we making our kids do that? Teenagers should be able to find at least 15-30 minutes a day to veg out doing whatever makes them relaxed. Everyone’s brain needs that downtime. So whether that is watching Netflix, listening to music, catching up with friends on social media, it is their time to not have any requirements. Also, encouraging the downtime may actually decrease their distractions while trying to do homework because they at least “checked-in” with their friends.

Teen Stress Tip #3: Eliminate unnecessary activities

Some kids just LOVE being involved in everything and have a hard time choosing what really they would like to focus on. But then there are high school students who think they should be in all these activities because they feel their parents want them to, “it looks good for college applications” or it seems like all their friends are doing it. Often kids just have to many commitments that stretch their time too thin and they end up not enjoying anything they are doing. Help them prioritize what makes most sense for them now to continue and what they could eliminate in their day to make them less overwhelmed. Maybe the piano that they have been playing since elementary school now does not provide the same spark as it did in the past. Or the regular part-time job babysitting is more important because they can do homework after the kids go to bed and they get paid for it. A conversation with your teenager may just be the relief they are looking for and the permission to give up something they do not find joy in anymore.

Teen Stress Tip #4: Keep parental expectations in check

I have worked in many school settings in which college was the end game for most students. But now there is more is the emphasis of getting into the “best” or the “right” school. Some kids are naturally academically inclined, love learning, and are self-motivated to push themselves to do their best. This means taking the hardest classes, being involved in the most activities, volunteering etc. to get into THE school of their choice. If a heavy schedule of activities are driven by the teenager (with a realistic perspective) there is less of a concern than if it is something they feel they should be doing based on other social or family pressures. I also think that some kids take AP classes and it ends up not being worth their time. Kids need a certain score to gain college credit. But often kids have to score at the highest level to gain the credit or end up going to a school that do not accept AP credits. Is the extra AP class really needed when really their heart lies in a different subject or activity? (eg. they are involved in community theater and want to do that in college). Think about the messages you may be sending as a parent about how much they should be doing. Kids can sense expectations even if they are not explicitly stated and will want to meet your standards. A frank conversation about their future goals may be a way to eliminate the stress they are feeling.

After reading this, you may wonder if your teenager is stressed or has a more serious issue such as anxiety. Check out my previous post for more information. If you still have more concerns, you may want to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. A psychotherapist can help your child find stress management techniques work for them and an effective self-care routine.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves to work with teenagers to help find their balance in managing stress before they enter real world of adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

February 27, 2016

Teens with Anxiety: 5 Books to Read

Stress and anxiety is a way of life these days for not just adults but kids and teenagers. We know that societal pressures to be “the best” can create mental health issues for our kids. In my last post, I wrote about the figuring out the difference between teens with stress or teens with anxiety. And maybe your kid is struggling but it is a recent development. Or maybe you are not quite ready to commit to therapy right now but you want to help but are not sure how. Although not a substitute for therapy, suggesting some reading for your teenager to do on their own could be an option. Often kids at this age really feel that they are the only ones dealing with the issue of stress or anxiety (wrong!). Learning about how others their age have handled it can be a great first step in dealing with the problem. If your child is younger than 10 and is dealing with anxiety, here is another post that provides options of children’s books that may be helpful.

Here are 5 suggestions:

Playing with Anxiety: Casey’s Guide for Teens and Kids

Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons (best for 11-14 y.o.)

This is a free e-book at http://www.playingwithanxiety.com/ with a companion parent book for purchase. Written in first-person by a girl named Casey, chronicles how she has come to grips with anxiety and eventually managing through acceptance. I find that when a teenager is coming to terms with their anxiety, first-hand accounts can be a successful way of introducing the topic in a non-threatening way.

My Anxious Mind: A Teen’s Guide to Managing Anxiety and Panic

Michael Tomkins, PhD and Katherine Martinez, PhD (best for 14 y.o. +)

A thorough, but not overwhelming overview of all types of anxiety. This book is written in a way that appeals to older teenagers with great illustrations. Offers vignettes that teens with anxiety can relate to while providing the basics of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety: A Workbook for Overcoming Anxiety at Home, at School and Everywhere Else

Christopher Willard, PsyD (best for 11 y.o. +)

This book appeals to teenagers because it is written in a very straightforward manner without a lot of psychological jargon. This is a great workbook for those teens with anxiety who are ready to deal with it. It’s also activity oriented and may be good for those kids who are have difficulty talking about their anxiety but want to develop skills of how to manage it. I have utilized this book in my work with teenagers whether it be during sessions or as homework (just don’t call it that-ha!).

What You Must Think of Me: A First-Hand Account of One Teenager’s Experience with Social Anxiety Disorder

Emily Ford with Michael Liebowitz, MD (best for 13 yo +)

This is written by a young woman, Emily who recounts her high school days as she goes back to visit her teachers (and is now a teacher herself) dealing with social phobia. A compelling read that details the self-consciousness and fear of judgment to crippling proportions that those with social anxiety face. It can be downloaded for free at http://www.annenbergpublicpolicycenter.org/publication/what-you-must-think-of-me/

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens

Jennifer Shannon, LMFT ( best for 12+)

Another great resource for those teens with anxiety and are struggling socially. This workbook breaks down some of the important aspects of CBT and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and presents it in an accessible way for teens. Covers topics such as perfectionism, distorted thoughts and what to do when you get stuck.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves helping teens find practical ways to manage their anxiety. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

January 19, 2016

Is Your Teenager Dealing with Stress or is it Anxiety?

“OMG I’m so stressed out.”

I’m sure there isn’t anyone who hasn’t seen a text or heard this from someone they know especially if they have teenagers in their life. We know that teens are dealing with stress more than in previous generations and in one study teenagers were reporting more stress than adults particularly during the school year. There are also recent articles describing how teenagers are having trouble dealing with stress related to school performance , managing social media or getting into college . Sadly, we also have seen the inability to cope with stress that has lead to tragic outcomes in some areas . But how do we know if your teenager is just dealing with stress in their life or if they are experiencing something more serious such as an anxiety disorder?

There are several factors to consider if you are trying to determine whether or not your child is just stressed out or has symptoms of anxiety. First, understanding the difference between stress and anxiety is key as the terms are used interchangeably. Stress is your body’s reaction to a real or perceived demand whether it be routine (e.g. school pressures), a change (e.g. divorce) or trauma (e.g. car accident). Anxiety is a reaction to the stress which often appears as excessive, persistent or unrealistic. One aspect to determine is if your child’s stress is distressing enough to be interfering with many aspects of their life. For some kids, they may have a lot on their plate with extra-curricular activities, AP classes, job etc. but they are able to manage in most situations with a few hiccups along the way. But if you are concerned, considering whether or not stress is affecting their most important areas of their life is a start.

Other factors to consider:

School

Most teenagers find school to be a stressor at some point of their career. Does your teenager worry about getting their assignments done even though they always get it completed in time? Or does your teen have excessive anxiety about an upcoming exam or test even though they studied? There are some students who just avoid doing schoolwork completely because the thought of doing it is so overwhelming and end up getting behind in their classes. You may have seen their grades suffered because of this. Another indicator is that they ask to be called-in sick from school when they are not sick or they ditch classes.

Sports/Activities

Has your teenager quit their sports team because they felt like the pressure was “too much”? Or maybe they get so worked up before a game they may have stomachaches or throw-up before games. Another indicator is that your teen may mention that they are afraid to make a mistake so they do not “let the team down”. All of these instances could be telling you that your teenager is having a hard time dealing with stress and may be feeling anxiety.

Relationships with family

Are you continually reassuring your teenager that “things are going to work out”? Or you may be wondering why they are uninterested in getting a driver’s license or getting a part-time job. They may tell you they don’t want to do those things “right now” because they are too stressed. These may be signs that anxiety is a concern.

Relationships with friends

It’s typical that teenagers would rather hang out with their friends than their family. Do you feel like you are encouraging your teen to go out with their friends and it is met with resistance? Or do they end up spending most of their weekends online rather than spending face-to-face time with friends? If this is a change, it may be that the social dynamics with their friends is too stressful so they would rather stay home with family to avoid the anxiety-provoking interactions.

Job

A job for a teenager is usually their ticket to independence. If they are uninterested in getting a job (or babysitting, shoveling snow etc.) but talked about it in the past, it may be a sign that taking on a new responsibility is just too much. Or if your child who once loved their part-time job is suddenly calling in or said they quit their job for what seems like no apparent reason, it may be a signaling a concern.

Wellness

Teenagers are notorious for poor sleep habits but have you noticed they have changed recently? Sleeping too little or too much are cause for concern that your teen is having a hard time dealing with stress. In addition, if they are frequently skipping meals or eating more than usual. Not to mention if you think they may be self-medicating through drugs or alcohol. Changes in health related issues can also signal anxiety is becoming an issue.

Two other factors to consider:

How long has it been going on?

Has it just been the last few weeks around a particular event (eg. getting essays done for college apps) or has it been going on continually for several months?

Does the level of anxiety seem appropriate to the event?

Does your teenager’s anxiety about taking a test that she studied for seem more with someone who is taking the SAT for the first time?

If you find yourself thinking that more of these descriptions fit your teenager than not, it may be time to consider talking to a professional about your the way your teenager is feeling. Whether your child is just having difficulty juggling their responsibilities or if their thoughts of worry are interfering with their daily life, a psychotherapist can help. Therapy can provide tools to manage stress, incorporate self-care, and change unhealthy ways of thinking.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

August 12, 2015

Back to School! How to Help your Child with School Anxiety

It’s time for back to school! For some kids, this brings excitement of getting a new backpack, figuring out their first day of school outfit and looking forward to connecting with their friends they haven’t seen all summer. For others, it brings a sense of dread and worry. How do you know if your child or teenager may be experiencing school anxiety? Anxiety can look different in everyone but some possible clues are; disruption in their sleep patterns (e.g. trouble staying asleep or can’t fall asleep) changes in mood (e.g. more moody or irritable than usual), overly focused about school (e.g. memorizing their schedule over and over) or directly verbalizing it (e.g. “I wish I never had to go to school”). But not all kids show signs of anxiety until after the “honeymoon period” of the first days of school. Other signs such as having a hard time getting them up in the morning, faking an illness or avoiding discussing the topic of school. If you suspect that your child may be experiencing some school anxiety, here are some tips to on how to help.

How to Talk to your Child about their Concerns

Start a Conversation and Listen

Acknowledging that you have observed a behavior that concerns you is a great opener. (“I noticed that you keep changing the subject when we talk about school. Is there anything you want to talk about?”) If they start talking, sometimes just being a listener at first is best. As parents, we often want to fix the problem for them so we can make them feel better. But kids sometimes just want to vent and know someone is hearing what they have to say.

Restate What They Have Shared

Often our first reaction is to tell our kids that “You’ll be fine” but that can feel dismissive because you are not acknowledging their current emotions. To make your child feel heard, rephrasing what they have shared will be helpful “ It seems that being able to memorize your new combination has really been on your mind ”.

Ask Questions

Ask some clarifying questions to see if you can get to the root of their school anxiety. “Maybe you are feeling nervous because you will have a new teacher?” or “ Do any of your friends have lunch the same period you have?”

Normalize Feelings

Share that often people have mixed emotions about going back to school. Let them know it is ok to feel excited, nervous, curious etc. all at the same time. And sharing that your feelings are ok no matter what they are is another way to validate what they are going through.

Come up with Solutions Together

Help your child or teen problem-solve and come up with some options that might make them feel better about their school anxiety. Below are some suggestions to get you started.

Visit the school grounds Depending on the grade level, this could mean going to the school playground to become acquainted (or reacquainted) and to know what door they will be entering in the building. For middle/high school students, you may be able to ask the principal/counselor to see if you can get a tour of the building ahead of school starting particularly if they do not offer something prior such as a middle school or freshman orientation.
Set a schedule In a previous post, I wrote about tips for getting back in the routine for kids with ADHD but a lot of the strategies could apply to any student. Planning for the structure of the school day or week can help alleviate some fears of the unknown (or forgotten).
Read books about school anxiety (elementary) The Kissing Hand is a sweet story for entering school for the first time for Pre-K/K and I Don’t Want to Go to School is a fun read for PreK/K. Wemberley Worried is a great book for PreK-2 discussing anxiety overall as well as Wilma Jean the Worry Machine, for grades 2-5 which offers practical strategies for anxiety as well as an entertaining story. You can check out my Pinterest Back to School page for more recs.
Focus on favorite things For younger kids especially new to school or going full-day for the first time, having a photo in their backpack of the family could be helpful to refer to when needed. For older kids, having them decorate their binder(s) and /or locker with pictures of things they like such as celebrities, bands etc. might create more excitement for the first days of school.
Hang out with friends from school For some kids, they may not end up seeing their school friends all summer due to scheduling, vacations, camps etc. But making an extra effort such as hosting a get-together with the kids they had in class last year might help with the transition.
Email school personnel For parents of elementary school students, often you do not know who your child’s teacher is until very close to the start of school. But when you are made aware, even just letting your child’s teacher know your child is having some anxiety about going back to school will be very helpful for their teacher. For middle school or high school students, an email to the school counselor or school social worker making them aware of your kid’s school anxiety may be also be worthwhile. They may offer to touch-base within the first few days if needed.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with kids to find ways to deal with their anxiety and feel better. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

July 17, 2015

Kids with ADHD; 3 tips when traveling

Relaxation. Fun. Adventure. Being able to take a vacation during the summer is what we look forward to all year. But if you have a child with ADHD, going to a new destination can be very stressful for parents and children alike. How do you make sure that your vacation doesn’t turn into more trouble than it’s worth? Here are some suggestions to try to minimize stress and have everyone be able to enjoy themselves.

Planning

Yes, lots and lots of pre-planning. Overall, a vacation provides the novelty that many people with ADHD seek. But also making sure that the type of trip you are thinking of taking involves activities that you know your child will enjoy is also important. Kids with ADHD will do better if they are doing something that holds their interest. When bored (e.g.too many museum exhibits with long lines), is when you see kids making their poor behavior choices due to their impulsivity. Even if your vacation is not entirely child-centric (which is ok!), having activities across the day that will hold your child’s attention will be helpful in the long run. But in the meanwhile, bring things along that might keep them entertained during waiting periods such as silly putty for the younger ones or IPod/IPhone w/headphones for the older ones. Also, if you are planning to go to a family resort or large amusement park, calling ahead to see if they have special assistance for those who have special needs such as a way to bypass the long lines. Another idea is to have healthy snacks available for your kids with ADHD because we know that too much sugar and processed food is not good for any kid (there is debate whether it increases the symptoms or if red dye #40 has an impact ) Either bringing snacks from home or order online the favorite foods to be delivered at your hotel makes it convenient for your kids to eat (somewhat) healthy while you are away from home.

Create some sort of routine away from home

We know it’s hard to have a routine when you are on vacation. But providing some sort of structure while at a relative’s house, hotel or rented home while away will help provide some stability for those kids with ADHD. One way is to give the kids the day’s schedule when they wake up so they know what to expect even if it is different than a typical day. It also gives the kids expectations about what is happening for the day and can keep the kids from asking (ok- maybe just reducing the amount of times they ask), “what are we doing now?” Or if you are staying for awhile, even a mini-white board written with days of the week with the main activities of the day could help provide a visual reference. Also, if your kid is a picky eater, having those familiar foods on hand or going to a place you know that your child can get those foods will help them feel at ease. At bedtime, if part of their routine they usually read a couple of stories, bring a few along or download ones you can read on the Kindle if needed.

Know When Your Child Needs to Take a Break

Splash parks! Water slides! Amusements rides! Lots of sugary desserts! All of these things are some of the best parts of summer for kids but it also could mean a recipe for meltdowns and poor behavior choices. A good amount of kids with ADHD also have sensory issues . So this also means that they could get easily overstimulated by the activities they are doing even if they are having so much fun. As a parent, you will need to have alternate activities that may help your child calm down. These activities could be as simple as daily rest time back in the hotel room which could be reading, napping, watching a movie, playing on the IPad, listening to music with earphones or quietly playing. Or has your child been cooped up in the car traveling or been waiting in too many lines? Those kids who struggle with hyperactivity may need a chance to get their energy out. You may want to plan a visit to a local playground to climb and swing which provides good sensory input. Or a greenspace to run, kick a ball or play frisbee. For younger kids, you will probably have to look for the signs of an impending meltdown and cue them for a break. And for older kids, telling them they have an option to bow out of an activity during the day to do one of these strategies may prevent an argument due to non-compliance later.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves to help kids with ADHD utilize their strengths and give them tools to feel in-control of their behavior. You can reach her at js@juliesafranski.com

June 27, 2015

3 easy steps to get your teenager to comply with your house rules

As kids get older and start to become teenagers, they naturally want more freedom. They want to go places on their own, meet up with friends and begin to have a separate life from you. As a parent, this may make you nervous as you have been used to keeping tabs on them 24/7. You may create a rule and your teen pushes the boundary or breaks it. Then an argument ensues. A punishment is given, tension is felt throughout the house and no one is talking. Sound familiar? As the parent, you want to provide them guidelines because they are still learning how to make good decisions. But they always seem to be rejecting what you are asking them to abide by. So how do you find a balance between allowing your teenagers freedom while still meeting your expectations as parents? Here are 3 ideas to get you started on creating house rules for your teenager.

Decide what is important as a family

You will hear most kids say that their friends parents let their friends “do whatever they want and don’t care”. And you may feel like saying (or have said) “I’m not So-and-So’s parent, I’m your parent”. While this is true but since they are teenagers, they may be actually looking for more of an explanation. Be able to describe to your teen what values that you consider to be the most important to you and why you don’t want/let them do X. Also share that these are the values in which you are now going to be creating house rules (respect, responsibility, health/safety, education, responsibility, working hard etc.) But try only focusing on a limited number of your values (4-6) though because otherwise your teen will forget the meaning behind it especially in a time of a heated discussion (a.k.a. testing of a rule). Also being able to describe your values is communicating expectations to your kids that you may be have assumed that they already know but don’t. By stating your values explicitly, you may also get more of a buy-in when creating house rules. And if your teenager understands what your decision-making is based upon, this will be a good model for them for when they are older making their own decisions. As adults, we don’t like to be told what to do without any explanation so why would your teenager?

Get your teenager’s input.

Once you have discussed what you think are the important values, ask your son or daughter what they think are important values for them and/or the family. It’s a great conversation starter. (And yes, your teenager does want to talk to you –it’s finding the right time and place to get them to share their thoughts-another blog post!) You might be surprised what your son/daughter says is significant for them. Their ideas may be aligned with your values or they may offer a value you never even considered. After that, ask them they think would be some fair house rules. But also ask what they think the consequence should be if they break a rule. You’d be surprised how many teenagers have told me after given a punishment by a parent if they thought it was fair, they say, “I thought I’d get worse!”. So their consequences for house rules may be more severe than yours! And any opportunity to treat your teenager as someone who has a valuable opinion, it can buy you loads of good will. You are still helping to teach your child independence while having the structure that you are looking to provide.

Set limits

Once your teenager has given their opinions about house rules, create ones based on their input and your most important values. Again, I would only have a handful (6-8) so your teenager is able to remember them. I would be clear about not only the rule but also the consequence. As much as teenagers protest the rules, they really are craving the structure or the safety it provides for them (and sometimes the “out” when their friends are doing things your teenager knows they shouldn’t be doing). Also, making them aware of a reward may also help reinforce abiding by the house rules as well as demonstrate they have certain privileges that are not guaranteed. If one of your values is based on health/safety, creating a rule stating that they must check-in regularly when out and communicate when they will be back. Be clear what you mean exactly (e.g. answer phone/text within reasonable time, text/call if they change locations etc.) The reward might be that your teenager is able to have a later curfew for a special occasion (e.g. concert). The consequence of not doing this is they have an early curfew. Another example would be if one of your primary family values is education, the rule might be a B average. The consequence of not maintaining this average is that they cannot have use of their cell phone in the evening. The reward would be allowing them to use the family car on the weekend. Another example is if one of your important family values is responsibility, your teenager must have chores done (specify daily, weekly or day of the week). The consequence is that they can’t hang out with friends after school and the reward is that they can hang out with their friends after school.

After creating these house rules, consequences and rewards, the most important part is being consistent. Even though this is the most difficult to do when we are stretched thin, exhausted etc. it communicates stability to our teenagers. This is a work in progress and can be modified as needed. And we all know that teenagers will make mistakes, push limits and intentionally break rules. It is our job to give them the discipline, guidance and love to help them make better decisions to prepare them to be the best-functioning adults they can be.

Julie Safranski is a Chicago psychotherapist. She thoroughly enjoys working with teenagers and loves the perspective that they bring. She also looks forward to helping them and their families navigate the challenges as they reach adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.