problem-solving Archives | Julie Safranski LCSW

Category: problem-solving

August 12, 2015

Back to School! How to Help your Child with School Anxiety

It’s time for back to school! For some kids, this brings excitement of getting a new backpack, figuring out their first day of school outfit and looking forward to connecting with their friends they haven’t seen all summer. For others, it brings a sense of dread and worry. How do you know if your child or teenager may be experiencing school anxiety? Anxiety can look different in everyone but some possible clues are; disruption in their sleep patterns (e.g. trouble staying asleep or can’t fall asleep) changes in mood (e.g. more moody or irritable than usual), overly focused about school (e.g. memorizing their schedule over and over) or directly verbalizing it (e.g. “I wish I never had to go to school”). But not all kids show signs of anxiety until after the “honeymoon period” of the first days of school. Other signs such as having a hard time getting them up in the morning, faking an illness or avoiding discussing the topic of school. If you suspect that your child may be experiencing some school anxiety, here are some tips to on how to help.

How to Talk to your Child about their Concerns

Start a Conversation and Listen

Acknowledging that you have observed a behavior that concerns you is a great opener. (“I noticed that you keep changing the subject when we talk about school. Is there anything you want to talk about?”) If they start talking, sometimes just being a listener at first is best. As parents, we often want to fix the problem for them so we can make them feel better. But kids sometimes just want to vent and know someone is hearing what they have to say.

Restate What They Have Shared

Often our first reaction is to tell our kids that “You’ll be fine” but that can feel dismissive because you are not acknowledging their current emotions. To make your child feel heard, rephrasing what they have shared will be helpful “ It seems that being able to memorize your new combination has really been on your mind ”.

Ask Questions

Ask some clarifying questions to see if you can get to the root of their school anxiety. “Maybe you are feeling nervous because you will have a new teacher?” or “ Do any of your friends have lunch the same period you have?”

Normalize Feelings

Share that often people have mixed emotions about going back to school. Let them know it is ok to feel excited, nervous, curious etc. all at the same time. And sharing that your feelings are ok no matter what they are is another way to validate what they are going through.

Come up with Solutions Together

Help your child or teen problem-solve and come up with some options that might make them feel better about their school anxiety. Below are some suggestions to get you started.

Visit the school grounds Depending on the grade level, this could mean going to the school playground to become acquainted (or reacquainted) and to know what door they will be entering in the building. For middle/high school students, you may be able to ask the principal/counselor to see if you can get a tour of the building ahead of school starting particularly if they do not offer something prior such as a middle school or freshman orientation.
Set a schedule In a previous post, I wrote about tips for getting back in the routine for kids with ADHD but a lot of the strategies could apply to any student. Planning for the structure of the school day or week can help alleviate some fears of the unknown (or forgotten).
Read books about school anxiety (elementary) The Kissing Hand is a sweet story for entering school for the first time for Pre-K/K and I Don’t Want to Go to School is a fun read for PreK/K. Wemberley Worried is a great book for PreK-2 discussing anxiety overall as well as Wilma Jean the Worry Machine, for grades 2-5 which offers practical strategies for anxiety as well as an entertaining story. You can check out my Pinterest Back to School page for more recs.
Focus on favorite things For younger kids especially new to school or going full-day for the first time, having a photo in their backpack of the family could be helpful to refer to when needed. For older kids, having them decorate their binder(s) and /or locker with pictures of things they like such as celebrities, bands etc. might create more excitement for the first days of school.
Hang out with friends from school For some kids, they may not end up seeing their school friends all summer due to scheduling, vacations, camps etc. But making an extra effort such as hosting a get-together with the kids they had in class last year might help with the transition.
Email school personnel For parents of elementary school students, often you do not know who your child’s teacher is until very close to the start of school. But when you are made aware, even just letting your child’s teacher know your child is having some anxiety about going back to school will be very helpful for their teacher. For middle school or high school students, an email to the school counselor or school social worker making them aware of your kid’s school anxiety may be also be worthwhile. They may offer to touch-base within the first few days if needed.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with kids to find ways to deal with their anxiety and feel better. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

June 27, 2015

3 easy steps to get your teenager to comply with your house rules

As kids get older and start to become teenagers, they naturally want more freedom. They want to go places on their own, meet up with friends and begin to have a separate life from you. As a parent, this may make you nervous as you have been used to keeping tabs on them 24/7. You may create a rule and your teen pushes the boundary or breaks it. Then an argument ensues. A punishment is given, tension is felt throughout the house and no one is talking. Sound familiar? As the parent, you want to provide them guidelines because they are still learning how to make good decisions. But they always seem to be rejecting what you are asking them to abide by. So how do you find a balance between allowing your teenagers freedom while still meeting your expectations as parents? Here are 3 ideas to get you started on creating house rules for your teenager.

Decide what is important as a family

You will hear most kids say that their friends parents let their friends “do whatever they want and don’t care”. And you may feel like saying (or have said) “I’m not So-and-So’s parent, I’m your parent”. While this is true but since they are teenagers, they may be actually looking for more of an explanation. Be able to describe to your teen what values that you consider to be the most important to you and why you don’t want/let them do X. Also share that these are the values in which you are now going to be creating house rules (respect, responsibility, health/safety, education, responsibility, working hard etc.) But try only focusing on a limited number of your values (4-6) though because otherwise your teen will forget the meaning behind it especially in a time of a heated discussion (a.k.a. testing of a rule). Also being able to describe your values is communicating expectations to your kids that you may be have assumed that they already know but don’t. By stating your values explicitly, you may also get more of a buy-in when creating house rules. And if your teenager understands what your decision-making is based upon, this will be a good model for them for when they are older making their own decisions. As adults, we don’t like to be told what to do without any explanation so why would your teenager?

Get your teenager’s input.

Once you have discussed what you think are the important values, ask your son or daughter what they think are important values for them and/or the family. It’s a great conversation starter. (And yes, your teenager does want to talk to you –it’s finding the right time and place to get them to share their thoughts-another blog post!) You might be surprised what your son/daughter says is significant for them. Their ideas may be aligned with your values or they may offer a value you never even considered. After that, ask them they think would be some fair house rules. But also ask what they think the consequence should be if they break a rule. You’d be surprised how many teenagers have told me after given a punishment by a parent if they thought it was fair, they say, “I thought I’d get worse!”. So their consequences for house rules may be more severe than yours! And any opportunity to treat your teenager as someone who has a valuable opinion, it can buy you loads of good will. You are still helping to teach your child independence while having the structure that you are looking to provide.

Set limits

Once your teenager has given their opinions about house rules, create ones based on their input and your most important values. Again, I would only have a handful (6-8) so your teenager is able to remember them. I would be clear about not only the rule but also the consequence. As much as teenagers protest the rules, they really are craving the structure or the safety it provides for them (and sometimes the “out” when their friends are doing things your teenager knows they shouldn’t be doing). Also, making them aware of a reward may also help reinforce abiding by the house rules as well as demonstrate they have certain privileges that are not guaranteed. If one of your values is based on health/safety, creating a rule stating that they must check-in regularly when out and communicate when they will be back. Be clear what you mean exactly (e.g. answer phone/text within reasonable time, text/call if they change locations etc.) The reward might be that your teenager is able to have a later curfew for a special occasion (e.g. concert). The consequence of not doing this is they have an early curfew. Another example would be if one of your primary family values is education, the rule might be a B average. The consequence of not maintaining this average is that they cannot have use of their cell phone in the evening. The reward would be allowing them to use the family car on the weekend. Another example is if one of your important family values is responsibility, your teenager must have chores done (specify daily, weekly or day of the week). The consequence is that they can’t hang out with friends after school and the reward is that they can hang out with their friends after school.

After creating these house rules, consequences and rewards, the most important part is being consistent. Even though this is the most difficult to do when we are stretched thin, exhausted etc. it communicates stability to our teenagers. This is a work in progress and can be modified as needed. And we all know that teenagers will make mistakes, push limits and intentionally break rules. It is our job to give them the discipline, guidance and love to help them make better decisions to prepare them to be the best-functioning adults they can be.

Julie Safranski is a Chicago psychotherapist. She thoroughly enjoys working with teenagers and loves the perspective that they bring. She also looks forward to helping them and their families navigate the challenges as they reach adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

May 3, 2015

Does your child tattle tale? How to help your child learn to problem-solve

No one likes to be a tattle tale. I remember as a kid, if you were called a tattle tale it was the social kiss of death. You were teased, kids didn’t trust you and they remembered for a long time afterwards that you told an adult. Even one study demonstrated that those who were perceived to be tattling were considered less liked by their peers.

Nowadays, children do not have the same social opportunities to “free-play” as today’s parents once did. Through non-structured play, children naturally develop the skills of negotiating, compromising and learn the nuances of social interactions. Most kids are involved in many community and extra-curricular activities that are facilitated by adults. These are great opportunities as they teach children how to work in groups, learn how to follow directions from others, develop teamwork skills etc. But they rarely get the chance to work out conflicts and practice coming up solutions on their own independent of adults. And there are times when we want our kids to inform adults for behaviors that are physically harmful or threatening such as bullying. So how do we build resiliency and make sure our kids know when to tell an adult without being a social pariah?

When working with elementary-aged children, I use the language of reporting versus tattling. What is the difference? You are tattling when you want to get someone in trouble. It is also tattling, if the behavior is not harming anyone even though it may be annoying. If the issue is considered to be not important (e.g. not a health emergency or not a lot of people are affected), an adult does not need to get involved. Also, it is considered tattling if the behavior was an accident as no one meant harm. Lastly, if the problem can be solved independently it would be considered tattling. So reporting is about letting an adult know if someone’s well being is of concern. If someone is physically hurt or threatening harm such as bullying, an adult needs to be told right away. Also, it needs to be reported to an adult if the person intending to hurt you on purpose or you need to keep someone safe. Lastly, I tell kids that if it is a problem that adult needs to help you solve. But I’d like to go one step further. If there isn’t any danger or no one is getting hurt, I would prefer a child tell an adult AFTER they have tried two things to solve the problem and it hasn’t worked. Most kids get stuck on this and they would rather go to an adult first. Here are some suggestions you can give your child to deal with a problematic social situation:

Ask them to stop
Walk away and find something else to do
Walk away and cool off
Ignore it
Use an I-Message (“I feel_____ when you______ can you next time________”)
Talk it out and find a compromise
Apologize

Or if you want to simplify tattling versus reporting, I have also seen teachers use in classrooms the 4 B’s of when to tell an adult. Tell an adult if someone is bleeding, barfing, bullying or behaving dangerous. A little graphic but very clear! Parents can utilize this especially among siblings who constantly look for their mom or dad to settle their fights.

We want kids to learn how manage their own conflicts if there isn’t any harm involved. Why is this important? It helps kids to feel competent and successful. We don’t want to send the message that they always need someone else to help them deal with their problems. It also teaches kids that conflict is part of life and not everybody gets along. If your child is still struggling, you might also consider reading with them Julia Cook’s A Bad Case of the Tattle Tongue or Don’t Squeal Unless it’s a Big Deal by Jeanie Franz Ransom.

The first week of May is National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week in the U.S. This blog post is part of the Raising Resilient Children series hosted by Imperfect Families. Click the image below to find more tips from mental health professionals!

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and has spent 15 years in various school settings. She likes to help children find strategies they can use to help them feel confident socially and emotionally. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.