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Category: Parenting (page 2 of 2)

June 27, 2015

3 easy steps to get your teenager to comply with your house rules

As kids get older and start to become teenagers, they naturally want more freedom. They want to go places on their own, meet up with friends and begin to have a separate life from you. As a parent, this may make you nervous as you have been used to keeping tabs on them 24/7. You may create a rule and your teen pushes the boundary or breaks it. Then an argument ensues. A punishment is given, tension is felt throughout the house and no one is talking. Sound familiar? As the parent, you want to provide them guidelines because they are still learning how to make good decisions. But they always seem to be rejecting what you are asking them to abide by. So how do you find a balance between allowing your teenagers freedom while still meeting your expectations as parents? Here are 3 ideas to get you started on creating house rules for your teenager.

Decide what is important as a family

You will hear most kids say that their friends parents let their friends “do whatever they want and don’t care”. And you may feel like saying (or have said) “I’m not So-and-So’s parent, I’m your parent”. While this is true but since they are teenagers, they may be actually looking for more of an explanation. Be able to describe to your teen what values that you consider to be the most important to you and why you don’t want/let them do X. Also share that these are the values in which you are now going to be creating house rules (respect, responsibility, health/safety, education, responsibility, working hard etc.) But try only focusing on a limited number of your values (4-6) though because otherwise your teen will forget the meaning behind it especially in a time of a heated discussion (a.k.a. testing of a rule). Also being able to describe your values is communicating expectations to your kids that you may be have assumed that they already know but don’t. By stating your values explicitly, you may also get more of a buy-in when creating house rules. And if your teenager understands what your decision-making is based upon, this will be a good model for them for when they are older making their own decisions. As adults, we don’t like to be told what to do without any explanation so why would your teenager?

Get your teenager’s input.

Once you have discussed what you think are the important values, ask your son or daughter what they think are important values for them and/or the family. It’s a great conversation starter. (And yes, your teenager does want to talk to you –it’s finding the right time and place to get them to share their thoughts-another blog post!) You might be surprised what your son/daughter says is significant for them. Their ideas may be aligned with your values or they may offer a value you never even considered. After that, ask them they think would be some fair house rules. But also ask what they think the consequence should be if they break a rule. You’d be surprised how many teenagers have told me after given a punishment by a parent if they thought it was fair, they say, “I thought I’d get worse!”. So their consequences for house rules may be more severe than yours! And any opportunity to treat your teenager as someone who has a valuable opinion, it can buy you loads of good will. You are still helping to teach your child independence while having the structure that you are looking to provide.

Set limits

Once your teenager has given their opinions about house rules, create ones based on their input and your most important values. Again, I would only have a handful (6-8) so your teenager is able to remember them. I would be clear about not only the rule but also the consequence. As much as teenagers protest the rules, they really are craving the structure or the safety it provides for them (and sometimes the “out” when their friends are doing things your teenager knows they shouldn’t be doing). Also, making them aware of a reward may also help reinforce abiding by the house rules as well as demonstrate they have certain privileges that are not guaranteed. If one of your values is based on health/safety, creating a rule stating that they must check-in regularly when out and communicate when they will be back. Be clear what you mean exactly (e.g. answer phone/text within reasonable time, text/call if they change locations etc.) The reward might be that your teenager is able to have a later curfew for a special occasion (e.g. concert). The consequence of not doing this is they have an early curfew. Another example would be if one of your primary family values is education, the rule might be a B average. The consequence of not maintaining this average is that they cannot have use of their cell phone in the evening. The reward would be allowing them to use the family car on the weekend. Another example is if one of your important family values is responsibility, your teenager must have chores done (specify daily, weekly or day of the week). The consequence is that they can’t hang out with friends after school and the reward is that they can hang out with their friends after school.

After creating these house rules, consequences and rewards, the most important part is being consistent. Even though this is the most difficult to do when we are stretched thin, exhausted etc. it communicates stability to our teenagers. This is a work in progress and can be modified as needed. And we all know that teenagers will make mistakes, push limits and intentionally break rules. It is our job to give them the discipline, guidance and love to help them make better decisions to prepare them to be the best-functioning adults they can be.

Julie Safranski is a Chicago psychotherapist. She thoroughly enjoys working with teenagers and loves the perspective that they bring. She also looks forward to helping them and their families navigate the challenges as they reach adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

May 3, 2015

Does your child tattle tale? How to help your child learn to problem-solve

No one likes to be a tattle tale. I remember as a kid, if you were called a tattle tale it was the social kiss of death. You were teased, kids didn’t trust you and they remembered for a long time afterwards that you told an adult. Even one study demonstrated that those who were perceived to be tattling were considered less liked by their peers.

Nowadays, children do not have the same social opportunities to “free-play” as today’s parents once did. Through non-structured play, children naturally develop the skills of negotiating, compromising and learn the nuances of social interactions. Most kids are involved in many community and extra-curricular activities that are facilitated by adults. These are great opportunities as they teach children how to work in groups, learn how to follow directions from others, develop teamwork skills etc. But they rarely get the chance to work out conflicts and practice coming up solutions on their own independent of adults. And there are times when we want our kids to inform adults for behaviors that are physically harmful or threatening such as bullying. So how do we build resiliency and make sure our kids know when to tell an adult without being a social pariah?

When working with elementary-aged children, I use the language of reporting versus tattling. What is the difference? You are tattling when you want to get someone in trouble. It is also tattling, if the behavior is not harming anyone even though it may be annoying. If the issue is considered to be not important (e.g. not a health emergency or not a lot of people are affected), an adult does not need to get involved. Also, it is considered tattling if the behavior was an accident as no one meant harm. Lastly, if the problem can be solved independently it would be considered tattling. So reporting is about letting an adult know if someone’s well being is of concern. If someone is physically hurt or threatening harm such as bullying, an adult needs to be told right away. Also, it needs to be reported to an adult if the person intending to hurt you on purpose or you need to keep someone safe. Lastly, I tell kids that if it is a problem that adult needs to help you solve. But I’d like to go one step further. If there isn’t any danger or no one is getting hurt, I would prefer a child tell an adult AFTER they have tried two things to solve the problem and it hasn’t worked. Most kids get stuck on this and they would rather go to an adult first. Here are some suggestions you can give your child to deal with a problematic social situation:

Ask them to stop
Walk away and find something else to do
Walk away and cool off
Ignore it
Use an I-Message (“I feel_____ when you______ can you next time________”)
Talk it out and find a compromise
Apologize

Or if you want to simplify tattling versus reporting, I have also seen teachers use in classrooms the 4 B’s of when to tell an adult. Tell an adult if someone is bleeding, barfing, bullying or behaving dangerous. A little graphic but very clear! Parents can utilize this especially among siblings who constantly look for their mom or dad to settle their fights.

We want kids to learn how manage their own conflicts if there isn’t any harm involved. Why is this important? It helps kids to feel competent and successful. We don’t want to send the message that they always need someone else to help them deal with their problems. It also teaches kids that conflict is part of life and not everybody gets along. If your child is still struggling, you might also consider reading with them Julia Cook’s A Bad Case of the Tattle Tongue or Don’t Squeal Unless it’s a Big Deal by Jeanie Franz Ransom.

The first week of May is National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week in the U.S. This blog post is part of the Raising Resilient Children series hosted by Imperfect Families. Click the image below to find more tips from mental health professionals!

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and has spent 15 years in various school settings. She likes to help children find strategies they can use to help them feel confident socially and emotionally. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

March 28, 2015

How Moms Can Take Charge of their Stress; 9 Simple Self-Care Activities to Try

Whether you recently had a baby or your children are school-age, today’s moms are juggling priorities more than ever. We are living in an era where the internet provides us so much information on how to parent our children. There is an expectation to be “professional” moms well-versed in the latest methods of the current developmental task facing our child (“Potty-train your son in 1 week!”, “Does your teenager have the test-taking skills to get into the college of their choice?”) Never mind that life happens and there is grocery shopping, laundry, playdates, cleaning the house, and having to cart the kids to the next extra-curricular activity. Unfortunately in taking care of our families, often parents are not taking care of themselves. We have to consider our self-care activities analogous to the airplane safety talk we hear from flight attendants; we need to take care of ourselves so we are able to help those around us who need us whether it be kids, spouse, aging parents or friends. For many this is difficult, but even incorporating one change at a time to relieve stress can benefit us greatly. Here are some gentle reminders of ways to relieve stress.

Take time for yourself daily

If you are unable to commit to any other changes in relieving stress, start with making time for yourself daily. Find 15-20 minutes a day to do something that you enjoy. Whether that is reading a magazine, taking a relaxing bath/shower (uninterrupted!), taking the dog for a walk, watching TV or even just sitting in complete silence will be a step in developing good self-care. It’s a great way to start to establish a pattern of self-care to be better able to start to relieve our stress.

Eat healthily

“Clean Eating” is all the rage these days but for good reason. You feel better when you eat less processed foods, more whole grains, fruits and vegetables. But making sure that happens is easier said than done. One small change you can make is packing a healthy lunch if you normally eat out. Then you know you have had at least one healthy meal a day. If you are a planner, try batching your cooking on one day of the week. The you can decide to freeze some items and keep others in the fridge so you don’t have to cook during the rest of the week. Another idea is utilizing the slow-cooker aka Crock Pot from the 70’s and 80’s. The kitchen tool has found it’s way back into households for good reason; it helps to relieve the stress of busy lives by cooking while you are out with the kids or at work. (And not just women use it, men are using it too.) You come home and voila! You have a cooked meal without spending any time in the kitchen. Current recipes reflect healthier ingredients than in the past. Need ideas? Try googling crock-pot recipes and you will find endless blog posts on the subject not to mention Pinterest boards full of possibilities.

Sleep

We all know that getting enough sleep can be difficult, particularly as parents. Babies that aren’t on a schedule, toddlers waking up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, sick school-age kids or even waiting up for teenagers to come home can all can impact our sleep. I have offered some strategies in a previous post to develop good sleep hygiene that may be helpful. If your kids are still taking naps, you should try to join them if you can. Napping has shown to have great benefits and the more sleep we have, the better our bodies can help us relieve our stress.

Gratitude

Expressing appreciation for what one has, can be difficult when dealing with stress day-to-day. But developing the discipline to recognize the good in our lives has shown to have both emotional and physical benefits. Numerous studies have show that cultivating gratitude daily can result in being more optimistic, attaining more goals, more empathetic and being more connected to others. How to practice? Write 3 things you are thankful in the morning and at night daily. If you need inspiration to get you started, here are 52 prompts for the year.

Exercise

This is a concept that lots of people struggle with particularly after having kids. How to fit exercise in your schedule in a way that your needs are being met while also not feeling guilty when taking time away from our family. We all know the benefits of exercise but this article quickly sums up the positive impacts if you need reminders. If you don’t like the gym or don’t have the time to commit to a membership, how about taking up a sport? Maybe it’s going back to the athletics of your youth (be a mom who plays soccer rather than just a soccer mom!) Or now is the time to try a new fitness class or sport. For some people, knowing that others are depending on you to show up is the motivation to exercise. And for working moms, even if you cannot find the time exercise, walking at lunch has shown to relieve stress and create health benefits.

Find a hobby

Finding a hobby could be an important way of finding that “me” time while also fulfilling a passion of yours that you put aside when you started having kids. Or it could be an activity that you have always wanted to try. And if you are learning a new skill, besides relieving stress, there is an added benefit to increase your memory. Investigate your local park districts or libraries that offer adult classes. There are also colleges/universities that have continuing education programs teaching various skills. Local stores, art studios etc, also offer classes. If money is an issue, if you have a few friends that are proficient in a particular hobby, have a monthly night that you meet to learn a new project. Or if you if you prefer the self-taught route, there are tons of videos You Tube that have informational tutorials on various subjects. A hobby or personal interest also teaches your children that you are a life-long learner!

Socialize

Whether you are introverted or extroverted, spending time with others is a great way to relieve stress. The daily grind can be isolating if all your socializing consists of school drop-off or pick-up squeezed in during your work day. If you are a stay-at-home with an infant, it also can get lonely without adult interaction. One study has shown that friendships for women provide an alternative to the traditional fight-or-flight response to stress. If you want a structured plan, join a new mom’s group or a book club. If you are a looking to meet area parents, plan activities or outings with other stay-at-home moms in your area through a Meet-Up group. Even if you can plan a monthly coffee with a friend, it is a step that can help you to recharge. Or swap babysitting with friends or neighbors so you can get a night out with your husband or wife.

Just Say No

Maybe you have guilt that you are “only” staying home with your kids and not working outside the home for pay. Since you are at home, you may end up being the go-to person whom family, neighbors, friends come to for extra help. If you can assist them, great. But often times we feel obligated if people ask us to do something for them, we need to do it because we don’t want to let them down. Saying yes too many times to commitments that we do not want to do will make us exhausted, unhappy and/ or resentful. Setting healthy boundaries will save our energies for the people and commitments that are really important to us.

Ask for Help

Didn’t I just write “Just Say No”? Yes, but there are times we do need to rely on others who are able to help us. Not just able to help us but want to help and are sincere about it. You may have helped this person in the past. Or maybe this is a friend is in a different place in their life and have more time to do things for other people. Think of the friend who has older high school children who loves babies and can watch your child while you head out to the gym or get a manicure. Consider a niece or nephew who can pick-up/drop-off your kids at school to simplify your schedule once or twice a week. Or even that neighbor who says, “I’m headed to the store -do you need anything?”. Instead of always saying no, ask her to pick up those one or two items that would prevent you from having to make a separate trip. You could always return the favor another time. And help isn’t always in the form of asking others for favors, it could be simplifying your responsibilities. It might be hiring someone to clean your house occasionally, using a grocery-delivery service or even considering getting a personal assistant if you have a very busy work/home life that could use someone helping you out a few hours a week.

One step at a time, all of us can find ways that can relieve stress. Creating a good self-care plan does not necessarily have be about sweeping changes but often just small adjustments to our day-to-day life that can improve our well-being. Making a commitment to relieving stress, ultimately makes a pledge to being more emotionally available to all of those who are important to us.

Julie Safranski, LCSW, is a Chicago psychotherapist. She tries daily to find her “me” time and likes helping others create the best self-care plan that works for them. Julie can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

January 18, 2015

3 Tips to Get Ready for Your Child’s IEP Meeting

3 tips for your child’s next IEP meeting

For those parents who have children that receive special education services and have an Individual Education Program (IEP), a meeting is scheduled on a yearly basis. But often parents go into the meetings feeling unprepared and wondering if the school is meeting the needs of their child. Besides your child, you are the most important member of the IEP team and your input is essential in helping to create the legal document. Here are some tips for you to consider before attending the meeting:

Look over the current IEP and determine what services are currently provided for your child.

This may sound very basic but the IEP document is very complicated and not clearly written for the layperson. By the time the next annual review rolls around, often parents have forgotten how many direct and consultative minutes their student is receiving during the school day or over the course of the week. It is important to know how that impacts your child day-to-day and how it contributes to their overall schedule. How many minutes are they in the regular education setting versus specialized instruction outside the classroom? For instance, your child may leave the classroom for an hour a day for reading instruction or get their needs met by a special education teacher consulting with the regular education teacher. What areas have been identified as needs? Your child has identified reading and math needs but now seems to be struggling with writing at home. Parents often think reading and writing services are automatically addressed together. Does your child receive any related services and for how many minutes a week (speech/language, social work, occupational therapy etc.)? Your child may get social work services for social problem solving but now he is getting more disciplinary actions (detentions, suspensions). A different goal may be appropriate or more services need to be provided. Unless you know what the document says, it’s hard to advocate for current needs of your child and to determine the next course of action.

Determine your areas of concern and let the case manager know before the meeting the issues you would like to have discussed.

The case manager will be contacting you to let you know about the scheduled IEP meeting either through email, mail and/or a phone call. At that time or soon thereafter, letting the case manager know your particular concerns (e.g. Will Abby be able to have extended time on the PARCC?) will help the IEP team to address your questions ahead of time so they are ready to discuss them at the meeting. Often there is so much to cover during the IEP meeting and time is limited so creating the focus will get your questions answered in an effective, timely manner. Also, it demonstrates to the team that you are going to be an active participant that has a working understanding of what the IEP currently states.

Think about what you would like to see for your child for the future.

Often this question is an afterthought at meetings. We are so focused on the day-to-day details and how to get the child through the school day, we do not think about their future particularly in the younger grades. Is your goal for your child to have the least amount of special education services by a certain grade level (i.e. high school)? Or is your focus having child developing the most independence in the community (i.e.. is able to make a purchase at a store independently without adult assistance)? Do you see your child attending community college, a university, a sheltered workshop, attending a transition program or working a job after high-school? Of course, your goals for your child are based on your child’s intensity of needs but thinking about the long-term will help to drive the IEP’s overall focus. Transition services do not legally have to be discussed until 14 years old and a plan is formally created starting at 16 years old. But it’s never too early to be thinking about how you can better prepare your child for independence no matter what are their level of needs.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is Chicago psychotherapist. She also holds Professional Educator License (PEL)-School Social Worker endorsement (Type 73) for the State of Illinois and has 15 years experience in special education. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

January 3, 2015

Your child with ADHD; 5 ways to get them back in the routine after a break

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

Your kids have been off for 2 weeks and you may have been too. Your time has probably been filled with kids sleeping in, family gatherings, sleepovers, late bedtimes and probably lots of toys/games cluttering your house. Even the families with the best intentions have difficulty keeping to a schedule over breaks. But now it is time to get back to the routine of work and school which is always difficult for everyone, especially those with ADHD. The first Monday after a break will be difficult but here are 5 suggestions to get you back on track and hopefully make for a smoother adjustment back to their routine.

Have your child go to bed a little earlier than they have been beginning on Saturday night.

I know most families have a different bedtime for their school-age kids during the week than they do on the weekends. The same goes for vacations. If this is true for your family, having your children go to bed closer to their normal bedtime on Saturday will hopefully make your Sunday night less stressed. We all know a child with ADHD needs their routine and sooner they can get back to it, the better. By Sunday night, they got a little extra sleep and hopefully there is a little less fighting about bedtime and “I’m not tired”.

Go to bed a little earlier on Saturday night.

Yes, you too. You also could use extra sleep with all those events you planned, hosted, attended etc. Not to mention all those extra activities you had to plan for the kids when they were off. A little extra sleep for you will also help you to deal with not only your adjustment but your kid’s transition back to school. Plus, you are modeling what you are preaching.

Have your child gather all their things the night before to be ready to walk out the door Monday morning.

Their backpack probably is exactly where they left it when they came home from that Friday afternoon when their break started. This also eliminates any surprises Monday morning of things that should have been given to you to read, sign or for them to complete. Also, have the kids lay out their outfit for the next day including socks and shoes. One less decision to make and one less shoe that needs to found. Preparing for the morning ahead of time is always helpful but after a long break, it can help make the morning a little less hectic with a child with ADHD.

Go over the calendar for the next day/week.

You have been out of the routine for 2 weeks. All kids will need a reminder of their schedule of activities but it is particularly important for a a child with ADHD. Refreshing their memories about their schedule will hopefully will prevent any surprise meltdowns for those kids who get upset when the routine changes or have difficulty with transitions. Not to mention, it helps you prepare for the week.

Get up 15 minutes early to prepare for the day.

Give yourself an extra 15 minutes to get yourself together. Enjoy that cup of coffee. Scan the news on the internet. Creating that time for yourself will help you be present to be able to support your child with ADHD who even with the best planning, might need your help in the morning to start their week after a long break.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com

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