teens Archives | Julie Safranski LCSW

Tag: teens

March 31, 2017

Consequences: The Surprising Truth About Teens

After telling people I work with teenagers I often get the response, “Oh I could never do that” or “What do you even talk to them about?”. I actually feel fortunate to have been able to work with teenagers for as many years as I have. You might wonder why I feel that way but I have been privy to their unique and often fresh insights. Some are what you might expect and others are downright surprising. The ones that shock people the most are:

“I thought I would get a worse punishment.”

Or:

“I’m surprised I could go out after that.”

Or:

“I would have taken my phone away.”

Or my personal favorite:

“They always threaten to take away my [phone, car, etc.] but once they calm down they never do.”

Ok parents. You heard it straight from the source. We are falling down on the job. They are expecting us to give them consequences and take away their most prized possessions and/or restrict their whereabouts. Moving forward this is what we need to do:

Discuss consequences and establish rewards.

Yep. You need to spell out what might happen if expectations are not met. In a previous post I wrote about how to create house rules based on values, expectations and teenager input. So if you expect your child to maintain a B average and they don’t, they aren’t allowed to use their phone in the evening. Even asking your teenager what they think is a fair consequence will be a great way to get buy-in. You’d be surprised how much stricter they would be if they were doling out the punishments. And for the rewards it could be the use of the family car on weekends or something specific like tickets to a hear their favorite band.

Enforce consequences and rewards.

This is huge. You must follow-through on what you say you are going to do (see above: my personal favorite). Your child is expecting it even if they say something to the contrary. Even if they protest, whine, pout, slam doors, give you the silent treatment etc. you need to give the consequence. It sends the message of consistency and as a parent you can be counted on. It creates the structure that they are craving (even though their behavior may say the opposite) during a time of their life when their life may feel a bit chaotic or overwhelming. And often if a consequence is discussed beforehand (eg. “curfew is 11pm and if you are late without letting us know, you are grounded next weekend”), the teen can use it as a way to get out of unsavory situations. The threat of a parent’s punishment will give teenagers the opportunity to make a better choice. They can blame you for being strict and save face in front of their friends. And of course, if your teenager gets great grades, follow-through on getting those summer festival tickets you promised. If you don’t, it reinforces that it’s ok not to do what you say you are going to do, modeling the exact behavior you are trying to discourage.

If you give consequences or rewards, expect an emotional reaction from your teenager.

Yes, your teenager may be angry with you. They might even say they hate you. But if you are a consistent in your parenting, your teenager will come around and know deep down you did exactly what you said you were going to do. As uneasy as it makes us feel as parents, a teenager having some conflict with their parents is typical. Developmentally, they are supposed to be rejecting their parents at this stage of their life because they are figuring out their role and identity. No one likes conflict, but try not to take your teen’s resistance personally. Try to think of it as part of the stage of trying to be independent and they are rejecting your limit-setting. Of course, if you get those tickets for your teenager to Lolla or Pitchfork for doing well in school, you might also get a strong positive reaction from your kid that you might not have seen before (or in awhile).

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with teens and their families in helping them communicate in a way that they both can understand each other. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

November 10, 2016

Social Stress: 10 Ways to Help Your Teen

You might be thinking “what has happened to my child?” as they enter the pre-teen and teen years. Your once even-keeled, laid-back child who willingly hung out with the family now has all of their focus on what their friends are doing. They may be stressing about things they never cared about (eg. what clothes you are buying for them) and now are asking to see their friends more than ever. A lot of teens look to their parents for help but how do you support them without doing too much? Here are some thoughts about how to help your kid manage social stress.

Understand teens have big emotions.

For teens everything is a big deal and social stress creates big emotions. Biologically that’s what happening in their brain. And as parents we tend to want to swoop in and make everything better which isn’t always the best in the long run. The best thing we can do is listen, let them sort out how they want to handle it and ride out the wave of emotions. By the next day, they often have forgotten about it and moved onto something else (or the next drama).

Socializing through social media is the norm.

Back in the day, we went to the mall to hang out with our friends. Now kids go on social media. A lot. But you can still have ground rules even if they don’t leave your house to socialize. This includes time limits, charging their phone at night in a central area or times of the day they are not allowed to use it (e.g. mealtimes).

Your child’s friend group might not look like the one you had.

Some kids have one or two friends that they hang out with consistently. For some kids, they hang out in huge groups. No matter what they decide, as long as the kids they choose to be with have a positive influence, try not to compare your childhood experience to theirs. Your child will feel the pressure to measure up with your expectations.

Kids know their friends better than you do.

As parents we may say “why don’t you hang out with Kaitlyn?’, the girl they have known since since elementary school. But your teen may be saying no because they are aware that Kaitlyn is doing things that you would not approve of but they don’t want to reveal it. Appreciate that your child may know more about these things than you and you may be encouraging friendships that you actually do not want to condone.

Check to see if your rules are age-appropriate.

Sometimes as parents we make a random rule such as “no makeup” until freshman year. That may be setting your child up for social stress and feeling ostracized. Talk with other parents to see if your expectations are realistic and in the ballpark.

There is a social standing among the kids whether we like or not.

We hope that our kids are not facing the social hierarchies we did as kids. Unfortunately, there are still the popular kids that everyone measures themselves up to. Acknowledging there is a pressure for kids to participate in certain events because it affects their social status will go a long way. Understanding doesn’t mean you have to agree with it.

They may want to vent, not get advice.

Teenagers come home from school or a friends house and they may launch into a story of a situation that is bothering them. Your first reaction may be to offer advice but really all they want to do is vent. Knowing when it is important to just listen will be why they keep coming back to talk rather than hide in their room.

Define what is a healthy friendship.

Some kids don’t know what it means to have a friendship that is supportive, positive and reciprocal. Instead they try to hang with popular kids and it can end up being one-sided or they get treated poorly increasing their social stress. Encourage them to seek out kids who genuinely want to hang with them rather than for a particular purpose.

Empathize with them when they are being mistreated but get involved if they are being bullied.

Listen to their story and offer suggestions of ways to cope with the situation. Sometimes kids are learning how to socially problem solve and manage the ups and downs of friendship. But if it appears to be a targeted, chronic issue whether it be in-person or online, addressing the bullying situation is crucial.

This phase doesn’t last forever. Promise.

Early teenagehood is a struggle for everyone, particularly 6th through 9th grades. As they get older, kids start settling into their social groups and know where they stand with their friends. This is when the drama begins to lessen and they are beginning to feel more socially and emotionally confident.

If you feel like your teenager is having difficulty navigating social pressures and you aren’t sure what to do, seeking the help of a professional mental health clinician may be helpful. Working together with a therapist to identify supportive strategies to help your teenager can make all the difference.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with pre-teens, teenagers and their parents as they build their social and emotional competence. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

October 8, 2016

Teen Stress: 4 Helpful Tips for Parents

Your teen has been snapping at you when you ask them how was their day. They yelled at their sister for bothering them when all they were doing was asking to borrow something. Your kid is silent at the dinner table and when you ask why, they say it’s because they are tired and have a lot to do. You see bags under their eyes from not enough sleep. Teen stress is not uncommon, and your high school student may be struggling to manage. As a parent, you hate to see your child like this but not sure what you can do. Here are four tips to help your teen manage their stress.

Teen Stress Tip #1: Make sure that their basic needs are being met

Too many high school students say they don’t eat all day until they get home because they “don’t have time”. Or teenagers report they were up so late doing homework into the middle of the night and had 3 hours of sleep (of course there are the ones who were on their phone or playing video games too). We know that teenagers need 8-10 hours a night and they need to be eating throughout the day. Can you force your high schooler go to bed at a certain time or eat 3 meals? Probably not but having a conversation about your concern about not eating or sleeping may be more impactful than you think. They might just need the encouragement to make better choices. Or they need help to problem-solve what are the best options for them (e.g. bring breakfast on the go and bringing snacks throughout the day). Also enforcing a no-phone rule after a certain hour by charging their phone in a community area of the house may be the structure they need to limit their distractions.

Teen Stress Tip #2: Make sure they actually have some downtime

I am a big proponent for self-care to manage stress. This includes for teenagers too. High school students often are going to school starting at 6am for an early morning practice until 11pm at night working on their homework. No one should be keeping that schedule on a regular basis so why are we making our kids do that? Teenagers should be able to find at least 15-30 minutes a day to veg out doing whatever makes them relaxed. Everyone’s brain needs that downtime. So whether that is watching Netflix, listening to music, catching up with friends on social media, it is their time to not have any requirements. Also, encouraging the downtime may actually decrease their distractions while trying to do homework because they at least “checked-in” with their friends.

Teen Stress Tip #3: Eliminate unnecessary activities

Some kids just LOVE being involved in everything and have a hard time choosing what really they would like to focus on. But then there are high school students who think they should be in all these activities because they feel their parents want them to, “it looks good for college applications” or it seems like all their friends are doing it. Often kids just have to many commitments that stretch their time too thin and they end up not enjoying anything they are doing. Help them prioritize what makes most sense for them now to continue and what they could eliminate in their day to make them less overwhelmed. Maybe the piano that they have been playing since elementary school now does not provide the same spark as it did in the past. Or the regular part-time job babysitting is more important because they can do homework after the kids go to bed and they get paid for it. A conversation with your teenager may just be the relief they are looking for and the permission to give up something they do not find joy in anymore.

Teen Stress Tip #4: Keep parental expectations in check

I have worked in many school settings in which college was the end game for most students. But now there is more is the emphasis of getting into the “best” or the “right” school. Some kids are naturally academically inclined, love learning, and are self-motivated to push themselves to do their best. This means taking the hardest classes, being involved in the most activities, volunteering etc. to get into THE school of their choice. If a heavy schedule of activities are driven by the teenager (with a realistic perspective) there is less of a concern than if it is something they feel they should be doing based on other social or family pressures. I also think that some kids take AP classes and it ends up not being worth their time. Kids need a certain score to gain college credit. But often kids have to score at the highest level to gain the credit or end up going to a school that do not accept AP credits. Is the extra AP class really needed when really their heart lies in a different subject or activity? (eg. they are involved in community theater and want to do that in college). Think about the messages you may be sending as a parent about how much they should be doing. Kids can sense expectations even if they are not explicitly stated and will want to meet your standards. A frank conversation about their future goals may be a way to eliminate the stress they are feeling.

After reading this, you may wonder if your teenager is stressed or has a more serious issue such as anxiety. Check out my previous post for more information. If you still have more concerns, you may want to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. A psychotherapist can help your child find stress management techniques work for them and an effective self-care routine.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves to work with teenagers to help find their balance in managing stress before they enter real world of adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

August 4, 2016

Back to School! How to Make A Strong Parent Teacher Partnership

Is it really back to school again?!? The kids are savoring their last days of summer. They may (or may not) be looking forward for school to start so they can see those friends they don’t get-together with over the summer. Waiting to find out who will be their teacher can create both angst for student and parent especially if your child has special needs. My experience working as a school social worker for numerous years, I have witnessed the best and the worst of relationships develop among parents and teachers. We all know that having a positive parent teacher partnership can only benefit your student. How do you make sure that the connection you have with your child’s teacher is the best that it can be this school year? Here are some tips for a strong start when your child heads back to school in the fall.

Talk to the teacher about any specific concerns you have for your child.

Once back to school, most teachers send out some sort of communication requesting information to get to know your family. Do not hold back any vital information because you want to see if the teacher “notices” an academic/ behavior issue etc. If you wait to tell them after they come to you and you say “oh yeah, that was also a problem last year”, they may feel duped that they were not informed or that you are not interested in dealing with the problem together.

Also, it doesn’t hurt to check-in with the teacher if something changed as your child heads back to school this year (e.g. mom is now working part-time and now they go to the morning before-care program). Your child’s reaction to this change may be something unusual for them and it would be good for the teacher to be aware of it. The more information they know, the better the teacher can support your child.

If your child has an IEP or Section 504 plan, and you have a specific concern such as implementation about a specific service or accommodation, email the special education case manager and cc: the teacher so she is aware. Case managers are the ones who coordinate the service and/or accommodation and are usually the ones who support the teacher so they are the best to contact especially if the teacher is new to your child.

Be aware of what is happening in the classroom.

A lot of teachers send out email newsletters or have a website. Make a point to check it or read it. I know we are all inundated with email and information. But if the teacher takes the time to include it in their communication, it’s probably important. And nothing is worse for a kid when it is pajama day and they are the only kid in their class who didn’t come dressed for it. Or they missed an important deadline for a school-related activity that they now cannot participate in. Not to mention, the projects that are coming due.

And for those parents who have kids with academic or organizational issues, being aware of deadlines can help your child plan for a large assignment instead of scrambling to finish at the last minute (and yes, eventually the goal is that they will learn to monitor themselves). Your interest in school will show your student that you think what they are doing is important and you support their teacher.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Sometimes in the classroom, a teacher makes a rule, creates an expectation or has a procedure you just don’t understand and you may think “what’s the point of that?”. Go ahead and ask your child’s teacher (in a respectful manner) for clarification. They may have their reasons for doing it and be happy to explain their rationale. Or maybe they do not know how their expectation comes across to your student or the parents and they need to provide more information to the whole class. I’ve come across many parents who complain about what is happening in the classroom but never bothered to have a conversation with the teacher. They may head straight to the principal, talk about it with their friends or other parents while never going straight to the source. Many misunderstandings can be prevented and lots of time saved by communicating directly with the teacher. Of course, if you still don’t feel like the issue is being resolved after working with the teacher, feel free to get other professionals involved ( counselor, social worker, principal, district administrator).

Your child is a different person at school. Really.

During the summer, your child might be the most extroverted kid you know. But as soon as they head back to school, they may not say a word during class. Or they may be the class clown. Or have difficulty with managing their frustration appropriately. Try to be receptive when receiving feedback from the teacher about what they notice. Expectations at school and home are often different particularly in regards to the types of tasks required and the amount of activities in which they have to participate with other kids. Kids may struggle with what needs to be completed and/or how they behave in the classroom. If you have strategies that work for you at home with your kid, share them the teacher as they will probably be happy to hear about it. A consistent message from home and school is so powerful for kids. Or if you think you or your student needs more support, ask what other professionals in the building may be able to provide some feedback or strategies to help your child ( e.g. reading specialist, school social worker, school psychologist etc.).

Help out.

Your child’s teacher has an incredibly difficult job and most teachers I have worked with want to do the best job for your student. But the amount they need to accomplish grows every year while their time seems to shrink with requirements (NCLB, anyone?). As your kids head back to school, think about ways you may be able to support your teacher whether it be volunteering in the classroom to run a center, facilitate a class event or donate goods/furniture to the classroom (ask first to see if they want it though–but most of the time they will say yes!). If you can’t get into the class during the day, maybe there is a task you can do at night at home that could really help a teacher out (e.g. cutting something out for a special activity). They will be very grateful there is one less thing on their very full plate.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and school social worker with 16 years of experience working in private and public schools. She enjoys helping kids and their families navigate school settings when faced with social, emotional or academic challenges. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

February 27, 2016

Teens with Anxiety: 5 Books to Read

Stress and anxiety is a way of life these days for not just adults but kids and teenagers. We know that societal pressures to be “the best” can create mental health issues for our kids. In my last post, I wrote about the figuring out the difference between teens with stress or teens with anxiety. And maybe your kid is struggling but it is a recent development. Or maybe you are not quite ready to commit to therapy right now but you want to help but are not sure how. Although not a substitute for therapy, suggesting some reading for your teenager to do on their own could be an option. Often kids at this age really feel that they are the only ones dealing with the issue of stress or anxiety (wrong!). Learning about how others their age have handled it can be a great first step in dealing with the problem. If your child is younger than 10 and is dealing with anxiety, here is another post that provides options of children’s books that may be helpful.

Here are 5 suggestions:

Playing with Anxiety: Casey’s Guide for Teens and Kids

Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons (best for 11-14 y.o.)

This is a free e-book at http://www.playingwithanxiety.com/ with a companion parent book for purchase. Written in first-person by a girl named Casey, chronicles how she has come to grips with anxiety and eventually managing through acceptance. I find that when a teenager is coming to terms with their anxiety, first-hand accounts can be a successful way of introducing the topic in a non-threatening way.

My Anxious Mind: A Teen’s Guide to Managing Anxiety and Panic

Michael Tomkins, PhD and Katherine Martinez, PhD (best for 14 y.o. +)

A thorough, but not overwhelming overview of all types of anxiety. This book is written in a way that appeals to older teenagers with great illustrations. Offers vignettes that teens with anxiety can relate to while providing the basics of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).

Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety: A Workbook for Overcoming Anxiety at Home, at School and Everywhere Else

Christopher Willard, PsyD (best for 11 y.o. +)

This book appeals to teenagers because it is written in a very straightforward manner without a lot of psychological jargon. This is a great workbook for those teens with anxiety who are ready to deal with it. It’s also activity oriented and may be good for those kids who are have difficulty talking about their anxiety but want to develop skills of how to manage it. I have utilized this book in my work with teenagers whether it be during sessions or as homework (just don’t call it that-ha!).

What You Must Think of Me: A First-Hand Account of One Teenager’s Experience with Social Anxiety Disorder

Emily Ford with Michael Liebowitz, MD (best for 13 yo +)

This is written by a young woman, Emily who recounts her high school days as she goes back to visit her teachers (and is now a teacher herself) dealing with social phobia. A compelling read that details the self-consciousness and fear of judgment to crippling proportions that those with social anxiety face. It can be downloaded for free at http://www.annenbergpublicpolicycenter.org/publication/what-you-must-think-of-me/

The Shyness and Social Anxiety Workbook for Teens

Jennifer Shannon, LMFT ( best for 12+)

Another great resource for those teens with anxiety and are struggling socially. This workbook breaks down some of the important aspects of CBT and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and presents it in an accessible way for teens. Covers topics such as perfectionism, distorted thoughts and what to do when you get stuck.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves helping teens find practical ways to manage their anxiety. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

June 27, 2015

3 easy steps to get your teenager to comply with your house rules

As kids get older and start to become teenagers, they naturally want more freedom. They want to go places on their own, meet up with friends and begin to have a separate life from you. As a parent, this may make you nervous as you have been used to keeping tabs on them 24/7. You may create a rule and your teen pushes the boundary or breaks it. Then an argument ensues. A punishment is given, tension is felt throughout the house and no one is talking. Sound familiar? As the parent, you want to provide them guidelines because they are still learning how to make good decisions. But they always seem to be rejecting what you are asking them to abide by. So how do you find a balance between allowing your teenagers freedom while still meeting your expectations as parents? Here are 3 ideas to get you started on creating house rules for your teenager.

Decide what is important as a family

You will hear most kids say that their friends parents let their friends “do whatever they want and don’t care”. And you may feel like saying (or have said) “I’m not So-and-So’s parent, I’m your parent”. While this is true but since they are teenagers, they may be actually looking for more of an explanation. Be able to describe to your teen what values that you consider to be the most important to you and why you don’t want/let them do X. Also share that these are the values in which you are now going to be creating house rules (respect, responsibility, health/safety, education, responsibility, working hard etc.) But try only focusing on a limited number of your values (4-6) though because otherwise your teen will forget the meaning behind it especially in a time of a heated discussion (a.k.a. testing of a rule). Also being able to describe your values is communicating expectations to your kids that you may be have assumed that they already know but don’t. By stating your values explicitly, you may also get more of a buy-in when creating house rules. And if your teenager understands what your decision-making is based upon, this will be a good model for them for when they are older making their own decisions. As adults, we don’t like to be told what to do without any explanation so why would your teenager?

Get your teenager’s input.

Once you have discussed what you think are the important values, ask your son or daughter what they think are important values for them and/or the family. It’s a great conversation starter. (And yes, your teenager does want to talk to you –it’s finding the right time and place to get them to share their thoughts-another blog post!) You might be surprised what your son/daughter says is significant for them. Their ideas may be aligned with your values or they may offer a value you never even considered. After that, ask them they think would be some fair house rules. But also ask what they think the consequence should be if they break a rule. You’d be surprised how many teenagers have told me after given a punishment by a parent if they thought it was fair, they say, “I thought I’d get worse!”. So their consequences for house rules may be more severe than yours! And any opportunity to treat your teenager as someone who has a valuable opinion, it can buy you loads of good will. You are still helping to teach your child independence while having the structure that you are looking to provide.

Set limits

Once your teenager has given their opinions about house rules, create ones based on their input and your most important values. Again, I would only have a handful (6-8) so your teenager is able to remember them. I would be clear about not only the rule but also the consequence. As much as teenagers protest the rules, they really are craving the structure or the safety it provides for them (and sometimes the “out” when their friends are doing things your teenager knows they shouldn’t be doing). Also, making them aware of a reward may also help reinforce abiding by the house rules as well as demonstrate they have certain privileges that are not guaranteed. If one of your values is based on health/safety, creating a rule stating that they must check-in regularly when out and communicate when they will be back. Be clear what you mean exactly (e.g. answer phone/text within reasonable time, text/call if they change locations etc.) The reward might be that your teenager is able to have a later curfew for a special occasion (e.g. concert). The consequence of not doing this is they have an early curfew. Another example would be if one of your primary family values is education, the rule might be a B average. The consequence of not maintaining this average is that they cannot have use of their cell phone in the evening. The reward would be allowing them to use the family car on the weekend. Another example is if one of your important family values is responsibility, your teenager must have chores done (specify daily, weekly or day of the week). The consequence is that they can’t hang out with friends after school and the reward is that they can hang out with their friends after school.

After creating these house rules, consequences and rewards, the most important part is being consistent. Even though this is the most difficult to do when we are stretched thin, exhausted etc. it communicates stability to our teenagers. This is a work in progress and can be modified as needed. And we all know that teenagers will make mistakes, push limits and intentionally break rules. It is our job to give them the discipline, guidance and love to help them make better decisions to prepare them to be the best-functioning adults they can be.

Julie Safranski is a Chicago psychotherapist. She thoroughly enjoys working with teenagers and loves the perspective that they bring. She also looks forward to helping them and their families navigate the challenges as they reach adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.