parenting tips Archives | Julie Safranski LCSW

Tag: parenting tips

October 26, 2017

What to Read; 7 Books for Kids with ADHD

In my work with kids who have the traits of Attention Hyperactivity Deficit Disorder (ADHD), many families struggle with how to discuss the symptoms with their kids. Bibliotherapy is a technique I often use with kids in my practice. But reading books for kids with ADHD can easily done with parents at home or with teachers at school. Here is a round-up of recommended books for kids with ADHD that depict various traits of impulsivity, inattention, hyperactivity, difficulty concentrating and blurting out. For other ideas for books, you can check out my post about books about anxiety for elementary school kids and for teens as well as books that teach empathy. And you can head over to my Pinterest page for more possibilities of books/workbooks for kids and teens on various topics.

Here are the recommendations of books for kids with ADHD in no particular order:

My Warp Speed Mind, Donalisa Helsley (K-3rd grade)

Written by a clinical social worker, it is one of the few books that address the thoughts at “warp speed” in a kid with ADHD. Offers tools to deal with impulsivity and how to slow down.

My Mouth is Volcano, Julia Cook (2nd-4th grade)

One of my personal favorites about a boy named Louis, who feels the need to blurt out his thoughts at any time. An entertaining read with a helpful technique for kids to curb this not-so-uncommon behavior.

What Were You Thinking? Bryan Smith (2nd-4th grade)

A great read about a third-grader Braden, whose impulsivity leads to poor choices. Whether Braden makes jokes in class at the wrong time or blurts something out and hurts his classmate’s feelings, kids with ADHD will relate to this story.

Terrific Teddy’s Excessive Energy Jim Forgan (K-2nd)

This is an ideal choice for a parent/guardian who is trying to explain ADHD to a child who has been recently diagnosed. It has two optional endings for parents who want to use the terms ADHD or speak generally about traits such as excessive energy.

Pay Attention Emily Brown, Linda Brown (PreK-1st grade)

A wonderfully written picture book about a mom who in a gentle way, is trying to get her daughter to pay attention. Written in rhyme, it’s catchy prose captures entertains young readers who struggle with inattentiveness.

Hank Zipzer series, Henry Winkler (3rd-5th grade)

A chapter book series as well as a TV show by Henry Winkler (yes parents, The Fonz), detailing the life of Hank who has dyslexia but shares a lot of qualities of ADHD. Engaging plots, kids are drawn into Hank’s poor decision-making schemes and how he manages to deal with his choices.

Joey Pigza Swallowed the Key, Jack Ganza, (5th grade and up)

If you are looking for a series of books for kids with ADHD, this is it. Swallowed The Key is an entertaining book in how he deals with the challenges of his diagnosis. A boy who felt he could identify with Joey in many ways, particularly the impulsive choices and how it impacted his life at school recommended this book to me.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with kids with ADHD and their families to help them see their strengths and manage their challenges. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

March 31, 2017

Consequences: The Surprising Truth About Teens

After telling people I work with teenagers I often get the response, “Oh I could never do that” or “What do you even talk to them about?”. I actually feel fortunate to have been able to work with teenagers for as many years as I have. You might wonder why I feel that way but I have been privy to their unique and often fresh insights. Some are what you might expect and others are downright surprising. The ones that shock people the most are:

“I thought I would get a worse punishment.”

Or:

“I’m surprised I could go out after that.”

Or:

“I would have taken my phone away.”

Or my personal favorite:

“They always threaten to take away my [phone, car, etc.] but once they calm down they never do.”

Ok parents. You heard it straight from the source. We are falling down on the job. They are expecting us to give them consequences and take away their most prized possessions and/or restrict their whereabouts. Moving forward this is what we need to do:

Discuss consequences and establish rewards.

Yep. You need to spell out what might happen if expectations are not met. In a previous post I wrote about how to create house rules based on values, expectations and teenager input. So if you expect your child to maintain a B average and they don’t, they aren’t allowed to use their phone in the evening. Even asking your teenager what they think is a fair consequence will be a great way to get buy-in. You’d be surprised how much stricter they would be if they were doling out the punishments. And for the rewards it could be the use of the family car on weekends or something specific like tickets to a hear their favorite band.

Enforce consequences and rewards.

This is huge. You must follow-through on what you say you are going to do (see above: my personal favorite). Your child is expecting it even if they say something to the contrary. Even if they protest, whine, pout, slam doors, give you the silent treatment etc. you need to give the consequence. It sends the message of consistency and as a parent you can be counted on. It creates the structure that they are craving (even though their behavior may say the opposite) during a time of their life when their life may feel a bit chaotic or overwhelming. And often if a consequence is discussed beforehand (eg. “curfew is 11pm and if you are late without letting us know, you are grounded next weekend”), the teen can use it as a way to get out of unsavory situations. The threat of a parent’s punishment will give teenagers the opportunity to make a better choice. They can blame you for being strict and save face in front of their friends. And of course, if your teenager gets great grades, follow-through on getting those summer festival tickets you promised. If you don’t, it reinforces that it’s ok not to do what you say you are going to do, modeling the exact behavior you are trying to discourage.

If you give consequences or rewards, expect an emotional reaction from your teenager.

Yes, your teenager may be angry with you. They might even say they hate you. But if you are a consistent in your parenting, your teenager will come around and know deep down you did exactly what you said you were going to do. As uneasy as it makes us feel as parents, a teenager having some conflict with their parents is typical. Developmentally, they are supposed to be rejecting their parents at this stage of their life because they are figuring out their role and identity. No one likes conflict, but try not to take your teen’s resistance personally. Try to think of it as part of the stage of trying to be independent and they are rejecting your limit-setting. Of course, if you get those tickets for your teenager to Lolla or Pitchfork for doing well in school, you might also get a strong positive reaction from your kid that you might not have seen before (or in awhile).

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with teens and their families in helping them communicate in a way that they both can understand each other. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

November 10, 2016

Social Stress: 10 Ways to Help Your Teen

You might be thinking “what has happened to my child?” as they enter the pre-teen and teen years. Your once even-keeled, laid-back child who willingly hung out with the family now has all of their focus on what their friends are doing. They may be stressing about things they never cared about (eg. what clothes you are buying for them) and now are asking to see their friends more than ever. A lot of teens look to their parents for help but how do you support them without doing too much? Here are some thoughts about how to help your kid manage social stress.

Understand teens have big emotions.

For teens everything is a big deal and social stress creates big emotions. Biologically that’s what happening in their brain. And as parents we tend to want to swoop in and make everything better which isn’t always the best in the long run. The best thing we can do is listen, let them sort out how they want to handle it and ride out the wave of emotions. By the next day, they often have forgotten about it and moved onto something else (or the next drama).

Socializing through social media is the norm.

Back in the day, we went to the mall to hang out with our friends. Now kids go on social media. A lot. But you can still have ground rules even if they don’t leave your house to socialize. This includes time limits, charging their phone at night in a central area or times of the day they are not allowed to use it (e.g. mealtimes).

Your child’s friend group might not look like the one you had.

Some kids have one or two friends that they hang out with consistently. For some kids, they hang out in huge groups. No matter what they decide, as long as the kids they choose to be with have a positive influence, try not to compare your childhood experience to theirs. Your child will feel the pressure to measure up with your expectations.

Kids know their friends better than you do.

As parents we may say “why don’t you hang out with Kaitlyn?’, the girl they have known since since elementary school. But your teen may be saying no because they are aware that Kaitlyn is doing things that you would not approve of but they don’t want to reveal it. Appreciate that your child may know more about these things than you and you may be encouraging friendships that you actually do not want to condone.

Check to see if your rules are age-appropriate.

Sometimes as parents we make a random rule such as “no makeup” until freshman year. That may be setting your child up for social stress and feeling ostracized. Talk with other parents to see if your expectations are realistic and in the ballpark.

There is a social standing among the kids whether we like or not.

We hope that our kids are not facing the social hierarchies we did as kids. Unfortunately, there are still the popular kids that everyone measures themselves up to. Acknowledging there is a pressure for kids to participate in certain events because it affects their social status will go a long way. Understanding doesn’t mean you have to agree with it.

They may want to vent, not get advice.

Teenagers come home from school or a friends house and they may launch into a story of a situation that is bothering them. Your first reaction may be to offer advice but really all they want to do is vent. Knowing when it is important to just listen will be why they keep coming back to talk rather than hide in their room.

Define what is a healthy friendship.

Some kids don’t know what it means to have a friendship that is supportive, positive and reciprocal. Instead they try to hang with popular kids and it can end up being one-sided or they get treated poorly increasing their social stress. Encourage them to seek out kids who genuinely want to hang with them rather than for a particular purpose.

Empathize with them when they are being mistreated but get involved if they are being bullied.

Listen to their story and offer suggestions of ways to cope with the situation. Sometimes kids are learning how to socially problem solve and manage the ups and downs of friendship. But if it appears to be a targeted, chronic issue whether it be in-person or online, addressing the bullying situation is crucial.

This phase doesn’t last forever. Promise.

Early teenagehood is a struggle for everyone, particularly 6th through 9th grades. As they get older, kids start settling into their social groups and know where they stand with their friends. This is when the drama begins to lessen and they are beginning to feel more socially and emotionally confident.

If you feel like your teenager is having difficulty navigating social pressures and you aren’t sure what to do, seeking the help of a professional mental health clinician may be helpful. Working together with a therapist to identify supportive strategies to help your teenager can make all the difference.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with pre-teens, teenagers and their parents as they build their social and emotional competence. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

November 27, 2015

4 Parenting Tips: The Holidays with Your Child with ADHD

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

With the excitement of the holiday season upon us, all kids tend to ramp up this time of year in eager anticipation. As the days get closer to winter break and the holidays that follow, kids become more excitable and even your calmest kid seems a little haywire. And if your child has ADHD (Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder), it is even more difficult for them to be able to control their impulsivity, hyperactivity, attention as well as overall emotional regulation. Here are some parenting tips that may help make the holidays a little less stressful for you and your child with ADHD.

Tip #1: Create a routine in the midst of the holiday

Kids who have ADHD need structure and holidays are the worst culprits in creating unpredictability. I have talked before about creating a routine such as when traveling. One idea is to try to keep as close to typical eating/sleeping schedules as possible. This may seem to be an inconvenience to Aunt Susie who wants to play another round of UNO with the kids instead of having them go to bed because “she never gets to see them”. But she will thank you later if you prevent a meltdown because a lot of kids with ADHD struggle with sensory processing causing these tantrum-like behaviors. Also sketching out the activities of the day and talking to your child about what is going to happen can be valuable. Also having reminders as the day goes along about activities will also help with their anxiety in anticipation of the possible fun that might happen (presents!).

Tip #2: Give your child an “out” if they seem overwhelmed

Lots of relatives talking and laughing loudly in a room compounded with the awkwardness of talking to people that they do not know, can create an overwhelming situation for your child with ADHD (or adults for that matter). Not to mention opening gifts and lots of sugar on top of an already overstimulated child. If you see that your child needs a break from the action, give them one even if they protest. Although your child may resist the break, afterwards they may appreciate being able to get some time away. They may need some calming activities of their choice; reading or drawing in a quiet room, listening to music on their headphones, watching a movie or playing a video game on his tablet. This can be done whether you are at home or away at a relative’s house. After some downtime, they may be ready to join the rest of the family again and enjoy the festivities.

Tip #3: Keep them busy but not too busy

Parents are stressed because they have so much to do to get ready for the holidays and kids often complain “I’m bored” which may lead to arguments or behavior issues. Put your child’s energy (and sometimes hyperfocus) to good use help you while also striking a balance of their own downtime alone. Whether they like wrapping gifts, making cookies or taking the dog for a walk can keep them busy and happy. Engaging them in holiday tasks gives them something to focus on and feel accomplished when finished. Also, decide which holiday events are most important to attend (e.g. ice skating with 1 close friend vs. neighbor’s holiday open house with lots of people) as not to overextend them. Too many events can overload a child with ADHD even if the activities are ones that they really would enjoy which can lead to poor behavior choices.

Tip #4: Prepping them for expectations

Holiday gatherings bring many unfamiliar social expectations for kids of all ages. Preparing for what may happen can help as well as problem-solving in advance can be useful to manage likely awkward social situations. An example is “ Grandma expects you not to be on your phone while you are at a family gathering. Can you try to keep texting to a minimum?” or “ I know your cousin Tyler usually likes to play with you but you do not always like to do the same things. Maybe you can think about how you can compromise when you both want to do different things?” Discussing these potential situations in advance can hopefully avoid altercations with relatives and hurt feelings.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.