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March 31, 2017

Consequences: The Surprising Truth About Teens

After telling people I work with teenagers I often get the response, “Oh I could never do that” or “What do you even talk to them about?”. I actually feel fortunate to have been able to work with teenagers for as many years as I have. You might wonder why I feel that way but I have been privy to their unique and often fresh insights. Some are what you might expect and others are downright surprising. The ones that shock people the most are:

“I thought I would get a worse punishment.”

Or:

“I’m surprised I could go out after that.”

Or:

“I would have taken my phone away.”

Or my personal favorite:

“They always threaten to take away my [phone, car, etc.] but once they calm down they never do.”

Ok parents. You heard it straight from the source. We are falling down on the job. They are expecting us to give them consequences and take away their most prized possessions and/or restrict their whereabouts. Moving forward this is what we need to do:

Discuss consequences and establish rewards.

Yep. You need to spell out what might happen if expectations are not met. In a previous post I wrote about how to create house rules based on values, expectations and teenager input. So if you expect your child to maintain a B average and they don’t, they aren’t allowed to use their phone in the evening. Even asking your teenager what they think is a fair consequence will be a great way to get buy-in. You’d be surprised how much stricter they would be if they were doling out the punishments. And for the rewards it could be the use of the family car on weekends or something specific like tickets to a hear their favorite band.

Enforce consequences and rewards.

This is huge. You must follow-through on what you say you are going to do (see above: my personal favorite). Your child is expecting it even if they say something to the contrary. Even if they protest, whine, pout, slam doors, give you the silent treatment etc. you need to give the consequence. It sends the message of consistency and as a parent you can be counted on. It creates the structure that they are craving (even though their behavior may say the opposite) during a time of their life when their life may feel a bit chaotic or overwhelming. And often if a consequence is discussed beforehand (eg. “curfew is 11pm and if you are late without letting us know, you are grounded next weekend”), the teen can use it as a way to get out of unsavory situations. The threat of a parent’s punishment will give teenagers the opportunity to make a better choice. They can blame you for being strict and save face in front of their friends. And of course, if your teenager gets great grades, follow-through on getting those summer festival tickets you promised. If you don’t, it reinforces that it’s ok not to do what you say you are going to do, modeling the exact behavior you are trying to discourage.

If you give consequences or rewards, expect an emotional reaction from your teenager.

Yes, your teenager may be angry with you. They might even say they hate you. But if you are a consistent in your parenting, your teenager will come around and know deep down you did exactly what you said you were going to do. As uneasy as it makes us feel as parents, a teenager having some conflict with their parents is typical. Developmentally, they are supposed to be rejecting their parents at this stage of their life because they are figuring out their role and identity. No one likes conflict, but try not to take your teen’s resistance personally. Try to think of it as part of the stage of trying to be independent and they are rejecting your limit-setting. Of course, if you get those tickets for your teenager to Lolla or Pitchfork for doing well in school, you might also get a strong positive reaction from your kid that you might not have seen before (or in awhile).

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with teens and their families in helping them communicate in a way that they both can understand each other. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

October 8, 2016

Teen Stress: 4 Helpful Tips for Parents

Your teen has been snapping at you when you ask them how was their day. They yelled at their sister for bothering them when all they were doing was asking to borrow something. Your kid is silent at the dinner table and when you ask why, they say it’s because they are tired and have a lot to do. You see bags under their eyes from not enough sleep. Teen stress is not uncommon, and your high school student may be struggling to manage. As a parent, you hate to see your child like this but not sure what you can do. Here are four tips to help your teen manage their stress.

Teen Stress Tip #1: Make sure that their basic needs are being met

Too many high school students say they don’t eat all day until they get home because they “don’t have time”. Or teenagers report they were up so late doing homework into the middle of the night and had 3 hours of sleep (of course there are the ones who were on their phone or playing video games too). We know that teenagers need 8-10 hours a night and they need to be eating throughout the day. Can you force your high schooler go to bed at a certain time or eat 3 meals? Probably not but having a conversation about your concern about not eating or sleeping may be more impactful than you think. They might just need the encouragement to make better choices. Or they need help to problem-solve what are the best options for them (e.g. bring breakfast on the go and bringing snacks throughout the day). Also enforcing a no-phone rule after a certain hour by charging their phone in a community area of the house may be the structure they need to limit their distractions.

Teen Stress Tip #2: Make sure they actually have some downtime

I am a big proponent for self-care to manage stress. This includes for teenagers too. High school students often are going to school starting at 6am for an early morning practice until 11pm at night working on their homework. No one should be keeping that schedule on a regular basis so why are we making our kids do that? Teenagers should be able to find at least 15-30 minutes a day to veg out doing whatever makes them relaxed. Everyone’s brain needs that downtime. So whether that is watching Netflix, listening to music, catching up with friends on social media, it is their time to not have any requirements. Also, encouraging the downtime may actually decrease their distractions while trying to do homework because they at least “checked-in” with their friends.

Teen Stress Tip #3: Eliminate unnecessary activities

Some kids just LOVE being involved in everything and have a hard time choosing what really they would like to focus on. But then there are high school students who think they should be in all these activities because they feel their parents want them to, “it looks good for college applications” or it seems like all their friends are doing it. Often kids just have to many commitments that stretch their time too thin and they end up not enjoying anything they are doing. Help them prioritize what makes most sense for them now to continue and what they could eliminate in their day to make them less overwhelmed. Maybe the piano that they have been playing since elementary school now does not provide the same spark as it did in the past. Or the regular part-time job babysitting is more important because they can do homework after the kids go to bed and they get paid for it. A conversation with your teenager may just be the relief they are looking for and the permission to give up something they do not find joy in anymore.

Teen Stress Tip #4: Keep parental expectations in check

I have worked in many school settings in which college was the end game for most students. But now there is more is the emphasis of getting into the “best” or the “right” school. Some kids are naturally academically inclined, love learning, and are self-motivated to push themselves to do their best. This means taking the hardest classes, being involved in the most activities, volunteering etc. to get into THE school of their choice. If a heavy schedule of activities are driven by the teenager (with a realistic perspective) there is less of a concern than if it is something they feel they should be doing based on other social or family pressures. I also think that some kids take AP classes and it ends up not being worth their time. Kids need a certain score to gain college credit. But often kids have to score at the highest level to gain the credit or end up going to a school that do not accept AP credits. Is the extra AP class really needed when really their heart lies in a different subject or activity? (eg. they are involved in community theater and want to do that in college). Think about the messages you may be sending as a parent about how much they should be doing. Kids can sense expectations even if they are not explicitly stated and will want to meet your standards. A frank conversation about their future goals may be a way to eliminate the stress they are feeling.

After reading this, you may wonder if your teenager is stressed or has a more serious issue such as anxiety. Check out my previous post for more information. If you still have more concerns, you may want to seek the assistance of a mental health professional. A psychotherapist can help your child find stress management techniques work for them and an effective self-care routine.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She loves to work with teenagers to help find their balance in managing stress before they enter real world of adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

August 12, 2015

Back to School! How to Help your Child with School Anxiety

It’s time for back to school! For some kids, this brings excitement of getting a new backpack, figuring out their first day of school outfit and looking forward to connecting with their friends they haven’t seen all summer. For others, it brings a sense of dread and worry. How do you know if your child or teenager may be experiencing school anxiety? Anxiety can look different in everyone but some possible clues are; disruption in their sleep patterns (e.g. trouble staying asleep or can’t fall asleep) changes in mood (e.g. more moody or irritable than usual), overly focused about school (e.g. memorizing their schedule over and over) or directly verbalizing it (e.g. “I wish I never had to go to school”). But not all kids show signs of anxiety until after the “honeymoon period” of the first days of school. Other signs such as having a hard time getting them up in the morning, faking an illness or avoiding discussing the topic of school. If you suspect that your child may be experiencing some school anxiety, here are some tips to on how to help.

How to Talk to your Child about their Concerns

Start a Conversation and Listen

Acknowledging that you have observed a behavior that concerns you is a great opener. (“I noticed that you keep changing the subject when we talk about school. Is there anything you want to talk about?”) If they start talking, sometimes just being a listener at first is best. As parents, we often want to fix the problem for them so we can make them feel better. But kids sometimes just want to vent and know someone is hearing what they have to say.

Restate What They Have Shared

Often our first reaction is to tell our kids that “You’ll be fine” but that can feel dismissive because you are not acknowledging their current emotions. To make your child feel heard, rephrasing what they have shared will be helpful “ It seems that being able to memorize your new combination has really been on your mind ”.

Ask Questions

Ask some clarifying questions to see if you can get to the root of their school anxiety. “Maybe you are feeling nervous because you will have a new teacher?” or “ Do any of your friends have lunch the same period you have?”

Normalize Feelings

Share that often people have mixed emotions about going back to school. Let them know it is ok to feel excited, nervous, curious etc. all at the same time. And sharing that your feelings are ok no matter what they are is another way to validate what they are going through.

Come up with Solutions Together

Help your child or teen problem-solve and come up with some options that might make them feel better about their school anxiety. Below are some suggestions to get you started.

Visit the school grounds Depending on the grade level, this could mean going to the school playground to become acquainted (or reacquainted) and to know what door they will be entering in the building. For middle/high school students, you may be able to ask the principal/counselor to see if you can get a tour of the building ahead of school starting particularly if they do not offer something prior such as a middle school or freshman orientation.
Set a schedule In a previous post, I wrote about tips for getting back in the routine for kids with ADHD but a lot of the strategies could apply to any student. Planning for the structure of the school day or week can help alleviate some fears of the unknown (or forgotten).
Read books about school anxiety (elementary) The Kissing Hand is a sweet story for entering school for the first time for Pre-K/K and I Don’t Want to Go to School is a fun read for PreK/K. Wemberley Worried is a great book for PreK-2 discussing anxiety overall as well as Wilma Jean the Worry Machine, for grades 2-5 which offers practical strategies for anxiety as well as an entertaining story. You can check out my Pinterest Back to School page for more recs.
Focus on favorite things For younger kids especially new to school or going full-day for the first time, having a photo in their backpack of the family could be helpful to refer to when needed. For older kids, having them decorate their binder(s) and /or locker with pictures of things they like such as celebrities, bands etc. might create more excitement for the first days of school.
Hang out with friends from school For some kids, they may not end up seeing their school friends all summer due to scheduling, vacations, camps etc. But making an extra effort such as hosting a get-together with the kids they had in class last year might help with the transition.
Email school personnel For parents of elementary school students, often you do not know who your child’s teacher is until very close to the start of school. But when you are made aware, even just letting your child’s teacher know your child is having some anxiety about going back to school will be very helpful for their teacher. For middle school or high school students, an email to the school counselor or school social worker making them aware of your kid’s school anxiety may be also be worthwhile. They may offer to touch-base within the first few days if needed.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She enjoys working with kids to find ways to deal with their anxiety and feel better. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

June 27, 2015

3 easy steps to get your teenager to comply with your house rules

As kids get older and start to become teenagers, they naturally want more freedom. They want to go places on their own, meet up with friends and begin to have a separate life from you. As a parent, this may make you nervous as you have been used to keeping tabs on them 24/7. You may create a rule and your teen pushes the boundary or breaks it. Then an argument ensues. A punishment is given, tension is felt throughout the house and no one is talking. Sound familiar? As the parent, you want to provide them guidelines because they are still learning how to make good decisions. But they always seem to be rejecting what you are asking them to abide by. So how do you find a balance between allowing your teenagers freedom while still meeting your expectations as parents? Here are 3 ideas to get you started on creating house rules for your teenager.

Decide what is important as a family

You will hear most kids say that their friends parents let their friends “do whatever they want and don’t care”. And you may feel like saying (or have said) “I’m not So-and-So’s parent, I’m your parent”. While this is true but since they are teenagers, they may be actually looking for more of an explanation. Be able to describe to your teen what values that you consider to be the most important to you and why you don’t want/let them do X. Also share that these are the values in which you are now going to be creating house rules (respect, responsibility, health/safety, education, responsibility, working hard etc.) But try only focusing on a limited number of your values (4-6) though because otherwise your teen will forget the meaning behind it especially in a time of a heated discussion (a.k.a. testing of a rule). Also being able to describe your values is communicating expectations to your kids that you may be have assumed that they already know but don’t. By stating your values explicitly, you may also get more of a buy-in when creating house rules. And if your teenager understands what your decision-making is based upon, this will be a good model for them for when they are older making their own decisions. As adults, we don’t like to be told what to do without any explanation so why would your teenager?

Get your teenager’s input.

Once you have discussed what you think are the important values, ask your son or daughter what they think are important values for them and/or the family. It’s a great conversation starter. (And yes, your teenager does want to talk to you –it’s finding the right time and place to get them to share their thoughts-another blog post!) You might be surprised what your son/daughter says is significant for them. Their ideas may be aligned with your values or they may offer a value you never even considered. After that, ask them they think would be some fair house rules. But also ask what they think the consequence should be if they break a rule. You’d be surprised how many teenagers have told me after given a punishment by a parent if they thought it was fair, they say, “I thought I’d get worse!”. So their consequences for house rules may be more severe than yours! And any opportunity to treat your teenager as someone who has a valuable opinion, it can buy you loads of good will. You are still helping to teach your child independence while having the structure that you are looking to provide.

Set limits

Once your teenager has given their opinions about house rules, create ones based on their input and your most important values. Again, I would only have a handful (6-8) so your teenager is able to remember them. I would be clear about not only the rule but also the consequence. As much as teenagers protest the rules, they really are craving the structure or the safety it provides for them (and sometimes the “out” when their friends are doing things your teenager knows they shouldn’t be doing). Also, making them aware of a reward may also help reinforce abiding by the house rules as well as demonstrate they have certain privileges that are not guaranteed. If one of your values is based on health/safety, creating a rule stating that they must check-in regularly when out and communicate when they will be back. Be clear what you mean exactly (e.g. answer phone/text within reasonable time, text/call if they change locations etc.) The reward might be that your teenager is able to have a later curfew for a special occasion (e.g. concert). The consequence of not doing this is they have an early curfew. Another example would be if one of your primary family values is education, the rule might be a B average. The consequence of not maintaining this average is that they cannot have use of their cell phone in the evening. The reward would be allowing them to use the family car on the weekend. Another example is if one of your important family values is responsibility, your teenager must have chores done (specify daily, weekly or day of the week). The consequence is that they can’t hang out with friends after school and the reward is that they can hang out with their friends after school.

After creating these house rules, consequences and rewards, the most important part is being consistent. Even though this is the most difficult to do when we are stretched thin, exhausted etc. it communicates stability to our teenagers. This is a work in progress and can be modified as needed. And we all know that teenagers will make mistakes, push limits and intentionally break rules. It is our job to give them the discipline, guidance and love to help them make better decisions to prepare them to be the best-functioning adults they can be.

Julie Safranski is a Chicago psychotherapist. She thoroughly enjoys working with teenagers and loves the perspective that they bring. She also looks forward to helping them and their families navigate the challenges as they reach adulthood. She can be contacted at js@juliesafranski.com.

May 3, 2015

Does your child tattle tale? How to help your child learn to problem-solve

No one likes to be a tattle tale. I remember as a kid, if you were called a tattle tale it was the social kiss of death. You were teased, kids didn’t trust you and they remembered for a long time afterwards that you told an adult. Even one study demonstrated that those who were perceived to be tattling were considered less liked by their peers.

Nowadays, children do not have the same social opportunities to “free-play” as today’s parents once did. Through non-structured play, children naturally develop the skills of negotiating, compromising and learn the nuances of social interactions. Most kids are involved in many community and extra-curricular activities that are facilitated by adults. These are great opportunities as they teach children how to work in groups, learn how to follow directions from others, develop teamwork skills etc. But they rarely get the chance to work out conflicts and practice coming up solutions on their own independent of adults. And there are times when we want our kids to inform adults for behaviors that are physically harmful or threatening such as bullying. So how do we build resiliency and make sure our kids know when to tell an adult without being a social pariah?

When working with elementary-aged children, I use the language of reporting versus tattling. What is the difference? You are tattling when you want to get someone in trouble. It is also tattling, if the behavior is not harming anyone even though it may be annoying. If the issue is considered to be not important (e.g. not a health emergency or not a lot of people are affected), an adult does not need to get involved. Also, it is considered tattling if the behavior was an accident as no one meant harm. Lastly, if the problem can be solved independently it would be considered tattling. So reporting is about letting an adult know if someone’s well being is of concern. If someone is physically hurt or threatening harm such as bullying, an adult needs to be told right away. Also, it needs to be reported to an adult if the person intending to hurt you on purpose or you need to keep someone safe. Lastly, I tell kids that if it is a problem that adult needs to help you solve. But I’d like to go one step further. If there isn’t any danger or no one is getting hurt, I would prefer a child tell an adult AFTER they have tried two things to solve the problem and it hasn’t worked. Most kids get stuck on this and they would rather go to an adult first. Here are some suggestions you can give your child to deal with a problematic social situation:

Ask them to stop
Walk away and find something else to do
Walk away and cool off
Ignore it
Use an I-Message (“I feel_____ when you______ can you next time________”)
Talk it out and find a compromise
Apologize

Or if you want to simplify tattling versus reporting, I have also seen teachers use in classrooms the 4 B’s of when to tell an adult. Tell an adult if someone is bleeding, barfing, bullying or behaving dangerous. A little graphic but very clear! Parents can utilize this especially among siblings who constantly look for their mom or dad to settle their fights.

We want kids to learn how manage their own conflicts if there isn’t any harm involved. Why is this important? It helps kids to feel competent and successful. We don’t want to send the message that they always need someone else to help them deal with their problems. It also teaches kids that conflict is part of life and not everybody gets along. If your child is still struggling, you might also consider reading with them Julia Cook’s A Bad Case of the Tattle Tongue or Don’t Squeal Unless it’s a Big Deal by Jeanie Franz Ransom.

The first week of May is National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Week in the U.S. This blog post is part of the Raising Resilient Children series hosted by Imperfect Families. Click the image below to find more tips from mental health professionals!

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist and has spent 15 years in various school settings. She likes to help children find strategies they can use to help them feel confident socially and emotionally. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com.

January 3, 2015

Your child with ADHD; 5 ways to get them back in the routine after a break

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

Your kids have been off for 2 weeks and you may have been too. Your time has probably been filled with kids sleeping in, family gatherings, sleepovers, late bedtimes and probably lots of toys/games cluttering your house. Even the families with the best intentions have difficulty keeping to a schedule over breaks. But now it is time to get back to the routine of work and school which is always difficult for everyone, especially those with ADHD. The first Monday after a break will be difficult but here are 5 suggestions to get you back on track and hopefully make for a smoother adjustment back to their routine.

Have your child go to bed a little earlier than they have been beginning on Saturday night.

I know most families have a different bedtime for their school-age kids during the week than they do on the weekends. The same goes for vacations. If this is true for your family, having your children go to bed closer to their normal bedtime on Saturday will hopefully make your Sunday night less stressed. We all know a child with ADHD needs their routine and sooner they can get back to it, the better. By Sunday night, they got a little extra sleep and hopefully there is a little less fighting about bedtime and “I’m not tired”.

Go to bed a little earlier on Saturday night.

Yes, you too. You also could use extra sleep with all those events you planned, hosted, attended etc. Not to mention all those extra activities you had to plan for the kids when they were off. A little extra sleep for you will also help you to deal with not only your adjustment but your kid’s transition back to school. Plus, you are modeling what you are preaching.

Have your child gather all their things the night before to be ready to walk out the door Monday morning.

Their backpack probably is exactly where they left it when they came home from that Friday afternoon when their break started. This also eliminates any surprises Monday morning of things that should have been given to you to read, sign or for them to complete. Also, have the kids lay out their outfit for the next day including socks and shoes. One less decision to make and one less shoe that needs to found. Preparing for the morning ahead of time is always helpful but after a long break, it can help make the morning a little less hectic with a child with ADHD.

Go over the calendar for the next day/week.

You have been out of the routine for 2 weeks. All kids will need a reminder of their schedule of activities but it is particularly important for a a child with ADHD. Refreshing their memories about their schedule will hopefully will prevent any surprise meltdowns for those kids who get upset when the routine changes or have difficulty with transitions. Not to mention, it helps you prepare for the week.

Get up 15 minutes early to prepare for the day.

Give yourself an extra 15 minutes to get yourself together. Enjoy that cup of coffee. Scan the news on the internet. Creating that time for yourself will help you be present to be able to support your child with ADHD who even with the best planning, might need your help in the morning to start their week after a long break.

Julie Safranski, LCSW is a Chicago psychotherapist. She can be reached at js@juliesafranski.com